Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Back to Zoloft

The lexapro was like taking 2 steps back. I was irrediatable, my thoughts kept racing, I wanted to cry all the time. It was awful.

I'm a about 2 weeks into the zoloft again and so far no wonky cycles. We'll see how it goes from here.

Little by little I get better each day. Stronger each day.

Trying to move past the pain of infertiltiy is so slow. Right now I have these weird triggers. When people talk about parenting. I just automatically have to change the subject.

It's funny because I remember what it was like when I could barely even hold an infant without wanting to run and hide. Now If I see a baby I want to hold them and love them and just spend time with them. Of course as soon as baby starts crying, I'm ready to give them back, lol!

So I don't know what it is about this whole 'this is how I'm raising my kids', 'as a family we're excited to see them grow', 'starting summer school/vacation bible school, had to go shopping for supplies'.
Just gets me right in the center of my chest.

It's not to say that I don't have something to add to my nephew's and nieces lives. Just yesterday my brother told me that C & I gave them some good marriage adivce when they moved into together.
That filled my heart to know that someone was taking value in what I said.

Struggling a little with C as well. We just can't seem to get on the same page. Could be my depression. Could be we just REALLY need  a tune up or a vacation but in general I've been riding the struggle bus again.

Just been a few of those weeks again. Prayers would be appreciated. Prayers that I use the peace that God has given me.
Trust me, it's not all bad. It's been worse. So it's not totally and compeltely awful. I've had quite a few good laughs lately. A few good runs. I'm continuing to stay dedicated to finding a new church home. Life is okay.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. I hope and pray that you are having a good day.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

A blessing story

I wanted to share this story of encouragement I heard the other day. It is faith based. But it brought goosebumps to me.

It was an exchange between myself and friend the other day.

She was talking about how while she did struggle to conceive her first child, the second came naturally. She said 'I do what every woman does, every day. I got pregnant and had a baby. You're story will bless so many people. Whether it comes from you or another woman's womb, when you get your child it will bless so many people around you.'

Holding on to that will carry me through the next week or so.

Wherever you are, whatever your story, just know that somewhere your struggle is helping others. Hold onto hope.


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

About a week into lexapro

I did the thing you're not supposed to do. I took two full days off of zoloft. Which isn't smart and no doctor recommends that but I think my body needed it. I am not advocating for this, so don't follow me, I'm just telling you what I have done.

The first day off of it was a bit of a downer. It might have been a placebo effect or maybe it really did work it's way out of my system but the first day off of it I was tired and gloomy. The second day I felt fine! By day 3 I was ready to start the Lexapro.

I can't say that I feel any different. I have been a bit irritable though...so we'll see where that leads.

Hopefully it will be ease over in the next week or so.

I guess I thought I had more to share today, but I guess not. LOL.

Don't worry, it's not all bad. Today is a down day at work, going to get caught up on blogging, Netflixing, and maybe some readying...lol, clearly, it's a slow day.


Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Zoloft Chronicles Part 2

I'm going to have to amend this to the Lexapro Chronicles part 1. LOL

I had my doctors appointment today. The Zoloft over all was working. I am way this irritable, less tearful, more happy in general which is good!

Mother's Day sucked. I took one xanax when we went out to dinner with the in laws. Now that the youngest sibling is expecting each of the mothers were able to say happy mothers day to each other.

I excused myself and made a mad dash to the bathroom. I took a few shaky breaths in the stall as I collected myself. I used tap water to take the xanax. It took the, I guess to say, heart attack feeling away. It made my head a lot less spinny. I still felt the overwhelming sadness but I as able to compose myself for the rest of the night.

I only took one. I'm on a very low dose. And boy did I sleep well. I was so relaxed when I got home. Uh! It was nice.

Overall I'm doing better. I was at a wedding of a close friend on Friday. A mutual friend of ours brought their 3 month old.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to hold all the babies in the world to fill up that little place in my heart that is so achingly empty. It worked a little bit. Just being able to hold the baby and give it kisses and twirl his tiny little hand in mine. It was nice. I didn't even hate handing him back.

Ugh, I did just end a two week period...which also was two weeks late. It could be related to the Zoloft but my doctor wasn't totally convinced, that's one of the main reasons for the switch to lexapro. Having a wonky period is a bit counterproductive to my stress & low serotonin levels. I have had 1 whole successful year of periods though! I would like to celebrate but with my uterus on the revolt for some reason I'm keeping the party small.

I live to fight another day though.

Overall I've been able to let go of the money portion of our journey again. The money will be there when it needs to be there. I'm tired of stressing about it. Wondering where it's going to come from. Right now, I can't see beyond next May. (I am kicking around the idea of running a marathon. It will be my first if I commit to it. That's a different post for a different day. The marathon is when the race is)

The end of next year which is feasibly when we'd be able to do an IUI session seems ages and ages away. We talked about getting a loan...but we'll see.
We're communicating well as a couple, financially right now. There's another blessing. Having the same goals in mind helps.

Also no longer treading the waters of the depression is helping somewhat too.

For now, we'll see how the lexapro works and go from there. Baby dust to all,


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Zoloft Chronicles Part 1

Yeah I'm definittley a terrible infertility blogger. LOL, I keep promising to check in and write more and talk about stuff. It's been well over a month since I last posted.

I've officially been on the zoloft for about that long. It's different. I tried the 50mg but I felt panicky and weird so I took myself down to 25mg (I recommend you talk to your doctor before changing your dose.) I did it because it was going to be a week before I saw my doctor and it did not make me feel good. I didn't want to put up with feeling on the verge of a panic attack for another week.

My doctor okayed me to stay on the 25mg, but also gave me some xanax just in case I do have a panic attack. It's only to be taken when I start to have one.

Which honestly, I know my triggers. I know how to handle most of them, so I doubt I'll ever use it. But I suppose it's just nice enough to know that I have some on hand in case it gets too bad.

I am feeling more like myself these days. Last time I was severly depressed it took almost a year to put myself back together emotionally. This time, I cut through about half the bullcrap. I am not treading the water anymore just to feel better. I actually feel better. Part of me is afraid it's false. That it's all the medicine...but I am actually brave enough to take steps to take care of myself now. Doing what I need to do to protect my heart in difficult situations.

It's helped me feel other things besides sadness and anger, but at the same time I'm also hyperaware of everything right now.

The doctor said it takes a full 8 weeks for it get in your system and level out, so I might still be adjusting.

We'll see I'll give it more time. One day at a time. One step at a time.

I think feeling better has given more energy, which is great, but now I need to not have as much caffiene. I feel weird if I have too much caffiene now.

I also realized this morning, while my feet were pounding away on the treadmill that I might not know what to do with myself now that I am no longer carrying a heavy burden on my back any longer. I'll need to find some where to put the energy that has just been restored to me.

It's weird because I can look at a facebook status about pregnancy and babies and feel nothing. Yet on my way to a in laws Gender Reveal I'm undone.
Why does this happen to us?

It's all a balancing act. For now, I am off to work. Hope you all are well.


Sunday, March 13, 2016

Let the games begin

I officially started the zoloft today. We'll see how this goes. For now I wanted to share with you this great buzzfeed list on depression.

16 Things No One Tells you about taking Antidepressants 

Here's to hoping things work out, for the better.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

March Struggle Bus Post

Goodness the last time I posted was almost a month ago...

I've been trying to figure out what to write. I kept asking myself, though, what would I post since we we have officially decided not to seek treatment until next year?

A blog about infertility but yet I won't directly be addressing any fertility related treatments?

There are blogs out there that do that very well. I guess I was feeling dwarfed in comparison.

In my last post I addresses that I would be talking more about the emotional aspects of this journey.

Holy man is there a lot to say. For the better part of last month I was snippy and rude and down right just not fun to be around. I've been seeing a therapist for the better part of a year now, since before our first IUI, and two weeks ago I told her I was not motivated to feel better.

I've been there. I've done that. Bought the t-shirt. How incredibly tough that was. Rebuilding myself. Not nearly as tough as other phases in life but still tough getting out of that spot. It was during training for my half marathon that I was able to pull myself out of the pit of despair. I remember during that time frame, TMI--I was taking a shower, (The bathroom, where all the good thinking happens) and I just thought to myself how I felt emotionally more close to center.

I'm back at the start again of rebuilding. I know the work ahead but I just can't get motivated to do it.

I feel defeated that I don't have the motivation. After speaking with my therapist she recommened it was time to try zoloft. I've been sitting with this idea for two weeks now. Trying to decide what's best.

Praying, asking God, is this the next step? Do you want me to take this medication?
Don't get me wrong! For those who need it, it is a great idea! Is it right for me though? Is this too drastic of a measure for me? Or do I really need it?

It's a big committment right now. It's at least a year long process. Right now a year seems like a lot. Although I could think in less general terms. My family doc would like to see me a month after I start taking it. Then in 3 if things are well, then 6 if things are where they need to be.

But it comes with some seirous side effects.

Can I be frank? Well...I'm going to be, so I guess I'll just warn you that that's what I'm about to do. Sex with going through infertility is a crazy bed of emotions...no pun intended. Sometimes you cry after sex remembering this act won't bring you closer to your dream anymore. Sometimes you've lost the passion for it. Sometimes when you're moody from everything that's going on around you, your husband even sort of stops pursuing you thinking you'll say no. It's hard to get in the mind frame to be present and enjoy the gift that God has given us.

Then if I start taking medications that will lower the libio even more?

What's the trade off? Will the medicaiton make me more happy yet a lot less passionate in the bedroom? Or will it allow my serotonin levels to rise so that I can start to feel a little more normal again? Be able to let go of the anxiety and worry of this heartbreaking journey.

I'm sorry I haven't been here to post more lately. I feel as I will be back more though as I discover the truths of how to rebuild myself during the year of waiting...again.

Thank you for friends for stopping by and reading. Please let me know if you ever took an anti-depressant during your infertility journey, or if you took one at all for any reason!

I will say, on a more 'nautral level' I have started cutting sugar out again. Added sugar that is. As well as picking back up on my exercise. It might be helping a little. 3 weeks into a 6 day workout routine and only 2 days into the less added sugar game. It may be helping. I would also like to get some lavendar oil and start rubbing that on my temples again.

It's a process. I can do this. I can rebuild myself...as long as I can get past not feeling motivated.