Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Finally Pitched the Medicine

Last week I was finally able to throw away our medicine. The Gonal-F is ineffective after 30days once mixed & we don't plan on doing another cycle till hopefully Fall.

I made Chandler hold my hand. I said out loud "This does not mean that we are giving up just that we are moving onto the next step." My heart almost skipped a beat...it felt good to release it but at the same time I
wasn't quite ready to...give up the first round I guess.

But I did it. Onto the next...right now the overall savings is $126.78

A bit under what I wanted to have saved by this time this week, but house renovations REALLY got in the way of savings. Today though I have filled out the form for the gonal-f rebate, so hopefully that will really help add more money into our IUI fund.

Thank you for reading
Well, I am off to work...hoping the day brings more little by little for you as well as for me ;)


Monday, June 29, 2015

This is my Fight Song

Sorry I wasn't able to post over the weekend. It's been pretty busy my way. I'll be able to post more later this week.

To start your week off on a good note, I was on a thread over on the Resolve Inspire Network about finding motivation for this difficult journey.

Music motivates me to push through, inspires me when I need it most, and most of it gets me pumped!

Here's a YouTube list of songs that might be helpful on Journey!

This song REALLY pumps me up! It's new, it's by Rachel Platten...it's the best. Seriously. I'll post more songs the rest of the week. 

Enjoy the list, I'll post tomorrow.


Friday, June 26, 2015

Staying encouraged

I am one of those people that just has to talk about what's on my mind. Mostly. Until I can find the right words anyway...but once I do, it just all comes spilling out of me like a fountain. So I'm either clammed up or I'm bursting...there's really no middle ground.

When something bothers me, I talk about it or think about...the correct word is probably obsess, until I can find a solution to the problem. Infertility isn't one of those things you can just snap your fingers and make everything better. As much as you wish you could or as much as you wish it were that easy.

One way to stay above the feeling in despair, at least for me, is reaching out to others. Others like myself and my husband. Finding journeys that are similar to ours...or least understand the pain of not being able to conceive. While, I hold hope that one day that this might actually work for us, it's harder some days then others.

I love reading other people's blogs about their struggles and their triumphs. It helps breath life into my situation.

Here are a few of the blogs I love to follow,

Breath Gently

Male Factor Infertility:
A Few Pieces Missing from Normalcy
Almost a Father
One Man's Battle with Infertility

Encouraging Christ Centered Infertility Blogs:
In Due Time
Amateur Nester
Trails Bring Joy

Life After/During Infertility::
Waltzing in Galoshes
With Great Expectation
The Next 15000 Days
Stirrup Queens

New blogs I've recently discovered::
A Sweet Aroma
With His Grace

I would like to do a post on music this weekend...of songs that really help me find courage, strength, lift me up...or even some that help me cry. I will be back soon, but with the chaos of construction at our house, I may not be able to post until next week. But I can't wait till it's all done!
Until then, check out some of these other awesome blogs, and be encouraged, inspired, and find rest in the comfort of their words.


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Funny Story & a Link Up

I'm sort of what you might call a foodie...well, let me clarify...I don't eat sushi with arugula and chili pepper flakes (if there is such a thing), I just happen to like food. Lots of it. All of it. I tend to eat a pretty moderate Paleo heavy diet, skipping the dairy, typically.

I'm probably more of what you might call...an eater...year just someone who eats and who eats constantly. I've learned to eat about 4-6 small meals a day, so at any given point during the day I usually have food in front of me. 

Yesterday I got the WEIRDEST craving for crazy bread from little Caesars. 

With grape soda.

Yep...see...not a foodie. But I can't even tell you the last time I had crazy bread...let alone GRAPE SODA of all things...I'm pretty sure the last time I thought to myself "Hey Grape soda sounds like a solid drink choice" was when I was probably about 9...no one at 9 years old would have questioned a kid wanting fake food. No one.

But when you've been married for 7 years and are in your prime child bearing years, you'll get asked the unfortunate question that one day you're just DYING to say yes too...

"Are you pregnant?"

People used to ask me that when I got weird cravings...but after 4 years of battling through one of the toughest journeys of my life...I kind of quit telling people my weird cravings. They happen a lot. 

So instead. I'm telling you. Whoever you are, who may be reading my blog...thank you. And I'm pretty sure if you were here, you wouldn't only not ask questions (double negative, woah English class!) but you'd probably be game for picking some up with me. 

So thank you...I'm sure we'd have a great laugh about how silly I am but what a great idea it was and not have to think twice about the little sharp pain that shoots through your heart or your gut when someone says "Are you pregnant?"

Anyway...it was suppose to be a funny story anyway.

I am part of a link up over at Amateur Nester! She has an amazing Christ centered blog about dealing with infertility. Check it out! She's incredibly encouraging & I love her posts. 


Tuesday, June 23, 2015


I've started saving money for our next IUI round. I keep it tucked away in a giant empty water cooler, today I decided I was going to count it to see how much I had.


While there may have been a few dollars in there before, I can guarantee I've saved at least half if not 3/4ths of it since last Thursday.

At this rate we should be able to complete our next round, this fall. Which makes pretty happy. I decided to keep a running tally mark going that way I know to either keep going, or to save more. After today, I'll officially have $100 saved. I'm hoping to be up to $150-$170 by the end of the week. I'm just going to keep socking away that money. It's already hard to save though because I do want to buy a few things...more than my $50 self allowance was going to let me...quite a bit more.

I'd like to buy a few things on sale from Old Navy (since they're having a massive sale right now) and I want to register for two races in the next upcoming months. It gives me something to look forward to other than the few baby showers I'll undoubtedly get invited too this fall.

I really need to work on getting my Gonal-F rebate done...that'll be closer to $200 + whatever I'll have saved by the time I get the rebate back.

I'm not an expert on saving money, I wish I had more information for you...but check out a blog post over at Always Katie. She gives a detailed list on how to save on your medications. It was the same thing our doctor told us to do, so it was a very helpful post.

Check out Footsteps For Fertility  to learn about applying for a grant. As well Fertility Life Lines  and Fertility By Design for ways to save on medications. Here's a website I have yet to check out but could be promising...Care Foundation.
 We got a 20% discount for the Gonal-F through Compassionate care, so that's how we chose to use that medicine. Just need to fill out the paperwork now...or win the lottery...whatever comes first...suppose I have to play the lottery as well...or not.


Monday, June 22, 2015

Post Fathers Day

Hubby "suffered" through Fathers Day. It was visible that he was uncomfortable yesterday & when I questioned him about how he was feeling he said "I'm fine." Very quickly.

In the past I would give him cards from the fur babies, but this year it just didn't seem right. That and we've been very busy with some renovations that I didn't make it to the store to get him something. I tried to recognize him in other ways.

"Thank you for working on this...you're amazing and smart, thank you for working on that."

One thing's for sure I am going to have to find a special way to honor just him this week.

On another note, I still haven't thrown away my medicine from our first IUI round. I just haven't been able to do it. It's weird being attached to medicine but it's not about the medicine but more about what it represents.

It represented hope and possibilities. It represented what might have worked...our future.

I'm not totally ready to let it go yet...but I can't have it banging around in the fridge to much longer. Because it also serves as a painful reminder that it didn't work. That it "just wasn't our time" (ughhh rolling my eyes)

While this first round didn't work and I am frustrated/upset/mad that it didn't, I'm glad the first try happened when it did. We are beyond stressed this week with a few house projects and some upcoming long term visitors coming to stay. I don't think I would have handled the stress as well this week, if I was taking medicine, stretching the bills beyond the paycheck, and then when it didn't take, being devastated on top of stressed...well...I'm pretty sure I would have blown thrown the 4 bottles of wine that were in fridge in one night...so even though it sucked...I'm glad it happened when it did.

For now, I'm concentrating on staying healthy (mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally) as well as taking care of the hubby as well as myself.


Friday, June 19, 2015

Impending Father's Day

Yesterday was basically stupid. Well...yesterday was 1 week from when I got to take, yet another, negative pregnancy test. I felt silly for being hung up on realizing it was one week, since last week...it was what it was.

Despite how grumpy I am, I have to remember that I'm not in this alone. Part of my fear is that I don't check in with my hubby enough. So last night, even though I was a bit down, I tried to make sure I was staying in tune with C's needs.

I asked him "Do you feel the same way about Father's Day, as I do about Mothers Day?"

He replied with "I'm not even thinking about that." Which could mean he's boxed it away to think of on another day or he's going to just ignore it to death.

My husband has the patience of God with him. Whether he knows it or not. He also has this uncanny ability to make sure that my happiness comes first. Knowing that I was a bit of a hot bed of emotions yesterday, I think he was putting his own stuff away to check on me.
I suppose I don't really have to worry about him, but it was good to check in with him.

Today, I found a little bit of hope in these words..

While we are beginning this journey again, we still have yet to use every key on on janitor's key ring.

These words also spoke quite clearly to my heart. Even though I don't understand this journey, the truth is, it will all be okay in the end. That nothing is impossible for God.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

Rules of the Game

Last night, while talking with a close family friend, who is out of state for an extended period of time, I learned that they created rules for their new living situation.

It was pretty funny...things like don't ask questions if you don't want an "I don't know" answer, Free hugs, and the number 1 rule was...Don't. Be. Grumpy.

Loved it. It was hysterical. It got me to thinking though...I should create my own rules for this stupid game of infertility that I'm in.

At first it was things like...don't be grumpy. Remember to pray. Always drink the wine. I tried to make most of the rules inspirational but quite honestly sometimes you want to be grumpy. You're just SO MAD that you're on this cursed journey towards babiesville that all you really want to cry, scream, and stamp your feet until someone actually gives you a baby...or at least a decent shot at being pregnant.

Of course you have to create your own rules for your own journey, but I've created my top 10 list for battling through the next few months until we get enough money saved to start again.

So without further a due, here are my rules, for my journey.

1. Pray...even when I'm mad.
2. Always drink the wine...just not... 6 glasses or an entire bottle...but at least 1 or 2 glasses.
3. Run. Never forget to run first. This is how I manage. This is how I get through my stress. Running makes me feel free and in control. It loosens my muscles, shoots endorphins through my blood stream and if everything else in the day goes to shit at least I know I ran today.  I did the one thing I can do for me. 
If running isn't your thing. Find a thing. Whether it's crafting, writing, blogging, whatever it is...do the one thing everyday for you. Just you. No one else.

4.  Keep talking. Write it down. Get it out. Whatever your feeling, get it out. Don't let it fester. Seek out others who might be struggling too. Make weekly dates with them. Talk to your spouse or partner. Especially your spouse or partner. You're a team. It might not always feel like it but the more you can lighten each others burdens the less you'll suffer through it alone...together.

5. Cry. I'm not so great at the crying. I like to layer things and layer things until I can't see the feeling anymore. I like to put it some where, where I don't have to deal with it or look at it. Then it will pop up out of no where. Absolutely no where. I will be just fine one moment then all of sudden the well will fill itself so high that I will want to cry. For absolutely no reason. Take some time for yourself. In the bathroom, in the shower, watch a sad movie, but get it out. Let the tears fall

6. Get out. Go somewhere, do something. Stay active. Don't hide. I did that for about a year before we started seeing our RE, hiding that is. I hid. It was the worst thing ever. I wasn't deep in the depression but I was getting close. Doing things, running a half marathon, visiting a different state even for a day, radically improved my state of mind, while we took a year off last year. When everyone is having babies, or buying houses, or just happens to turn up pregnant after splitting a bottle of white wine spritzer...do something, that makes you feel like you ARE doing something.

7. Be real with God. I had a moment today...having some false hope thoughts and letting my imagination run away with me. Thinking well if this was different or if life had gone this way, it would have been easier having kids. The truth is, the Devil was just playing tricks with me. Trying to steal my joy (what little I have left right now) and show me false dreams. I told God, "even though I'm mad because I don't understand your plan, I do know that I am loved by you. That ultimately, your plan is better than mine. I don't like it right now, but I might someday. I am loved by you. Thank you" It's sort of like the relationship with your spouse. You may not ALWAYS like the things your spouse does, but you will ALWAYS love them, no matter what.

8. Accept help when offered. You're not weak. You're fighting really hard...it's okay to have a pitch hitter, right hand man, and a team of soldiers at the ready. 

9. Right now, one rule for my journey is, save everything you got. Pennies, $20's, $5's $50's, whatever is in the wallet at the end of the day--if you're lucky like me in dealing with cash, put it in the IUI fund. However allow $50 to be spent on myself every month. Whether I want a book, a new album, an entry fee for a race. $50 is for me. That way I'm not poor and unhappy. Just poor.

10. (This one I'm borrowing from the friend) Do what feels right. Don't go to the baby shower if you just can't. Don't ask questions about other peoples pregnancies just to be polite. (Support your friends for sure, but do it when you're having a good day. Don't force yourself if it doesn't feel natural, they'll know, and it will just strain the relationship.) Don't go to friends kid's birthday parties if it's to much for you. Send a gift instead. Do the good stuff on the good days. On the bad days, rest, take care of yourself. This journey is hard enough without you beating yourself up over it.

Check out health news for more suggestions to creating your own rules for battling infertility.

Well...now to get on with following my own rules...well...maybe they're more like guidelines anyway ;)


Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The All Mighty First Post

Where the heck do I even begin? As of now, you've probably caught us in the middle of our journey. For the last several months I have been thinking of getting all of my thoughts and feelings down on paper...a blog seemed a second great idea, not only because I can type faster than I can write, but because it would be nice to meet a couple who might have dual diagnoses as well.
Or a couple who might be using donor sperm/donor egg/or donor embryo. I originally thought it would be a cute idea to write letters to our future children, hence the title "Our Journey to You". A blog/book...whatever...Documenting each struggle we went through, so I'll probably drop in and out of different writing styles. Bare with me as I figure this journey out...as well as this new blog.

It's been a rough few days. Mostly trying to think through how we're going to come up with another $3,500 dollars to give IUI a second try.

But I'm exhausted. I don't want to work harder than I already do. I already work 6 days a week. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but it's enough to pay the bills and have a little extra at the end of the month. While we wait for things to settle towards the end of summer beginning of fall I think we'll have a garage sale to help raise some money between now and...well...whenever.

I used to just save whatever change and $1 bills I had left over from the week, now I am going to save whatever I have left in my wallet at the end of week. Come Sunday, no matter what all the money will go into the IUI pot.

Luckily, I do see a therapist...which insurance covers...(you know because they'd rather let me be sad about not having a baby then help me have a baby.) Her advice this week, don't do anything you don't want to do. Don't obsess about logging your food, just feel what you are feeling. Accept the emotions as they come. Cry. But most importantly let yourself grieve.

So this week, I'm drinking the wine, eating the popcorn, and just allowing myself to find little ways to take care of myself. All while trying to renovate our house. Oh vey.

This was a random spattering of a post. I promise in the weeks/months to come they'll have more structure. For now...I'm learning to be still...and not go crazy.