Friday, July 31, 2015

Dear Dumb Diary

I went out shopping with a friend tonight. I had been looking forward to it all week! Bargining hunting, the Goodwill store, in the rich neighborhood ;) where the GREAT brand names are! After picking up some great clothing finds, we stopped over in the entertainment section.

I saw these books, obviously for preteen girls, but ones I'd never heard of, and we couldn't help but just absolutely chuckle at the titles and the first few pages. Dear Dumb Diary, if you think it's free to read this book you're wrong!

I clung to one particular title though...


After losing it over the title and the title page, I had to put it in the cart. I think this will be a very funny book when I'm having a particularly bad day.

I couldn't help but think how true the title was and how it related to all of us who might be reading this blog, or other blogs relating to infertility. 


Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Creative Curse Words

One of my goals this year was to find a different way to curse.


For your funny viewing pleasure I'd like to list a few creative curse words I've used this last week...

So...ta-dah!! Enjoy!

  1. Bizmonkey
  2. Oh Barnicle! 
  3. Degenerate
  4. Delinquent
  5. Fart Monkey 
  6. (A good eye roll)
  7. Ugh!!!

Check out knock knock stuff for more fun combinations. (All non-curse words!)
I should use some of these!


    Monday, July 27, 2015

    Microblog Post 4

    The IUI fund took a minor hit...could be major soon if C can't figure out where to get the equipment for his breaks...could be upwards of $1000 for his big diesel truck.

    The hit came from the dryer. I was luckily & thankfully on my last load of laundry in the dryer. The dog's blanket for the living room.  It completely stopped working.

    Savings as of yesterday: $503
    Savings as of today: $456

    As long as we can pick up the dryer off of Craig's list for cheap and figure out how to pay for C's breaks...that should be the only small hit the fund will take.


    (Microblog Monday's are fun! Check out the original post at Stirrup Queens, it's a great way to connect with other bloggers)



    XO,
    C

    Sunday, July 26, 2015

    Almost Father Post--Wounded Vets

    I read this VERY articulate article over at Almost a Father and I couldn't help but share it. I was moved by the post, I have a special place in my heart for veterans. I'm a former military brat...although, do you ever stop being a military brat?

    With both parents having served and current friends in family who are serving, it's infuriating to see that they are not getting all the help they need, let alone deserve. 

    I wanted to share the line that informed me...well educated me a little more on the IVF process, as well move me.

    "There is a misconception that embryos are ‘implanted’ when an IVF procedure is performed. I believe the use of this word by pro-life anti-IVF policy makers is intentional—to give the impression doctors knowingly put in too many or too few embryos to create an abundance of embryos for some ulterior motive.
    Infertility patients would be overjoyed if embryos could actually be ‘implanted’. However, that process happens, nature permitting in about 50% of IVF cycles, assuming you have the resources to go to one of the top clinics in the country. Embyros are TRANSFERRED—meaning that they don’t actually become viable, growing life until they implant, if they implant. If they don’t, they are absorbed into a woman’s womb, just like they are with women who don’t undergo infertility treatments.
    The infertility community, and especially wounded veterans rendered infertile by injuries sustained in the line of duty, don’t deserve to be dragged into the pro-life/pro-choice debate. Couples who seek the help of assisted reproduction are interested in one outcome: a healthy, full term baby." ~Denny Ceiyzk

    It reminded me of a quote I saw...

    "I do not believe that just because you're opposed to abortion that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking. If all you want is a child born but not a child fed, not a child educated, not a child housed and why would I think that you don't? Because you don't want any tax money to go there. That's not pro-life. That's pro-birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is." ~ Sister Joan Chittister: 


    I guess I might just be finding my advocacy voice...through other people...
    XO,
    C

    Saturday, July 25, 2015

    Struggle Bus




    (The Chivery)

    Boy oh boy am I riding the struggle bus tonight.Yesterday was a VERY Long day...I had the worst call.
    A woman who took over my position at my former place of employement called to head hunt me earlier in the week. While flattered, I knew that-that was a place I could NEVER go back too. 
    We had just gotten C's diagnosis and I needed the room to breath at a new place where I wouldn't be faced with the struggle to deal with, one of the worst jobs on the planet, and heal. 



    This woman kept talking about how they're struggling because their so busy and she's working 12 hour days, I politely told her that I was grateful for the offer but I did not have the extra time in my schedule. 

    She then proceeded to say "I know people leave jobs for lots of different reasons. Everyone here has said nothing but nice things about you. I heard you left because you were trying to have a baby, and I wanted to let you know that I know some natural remebies that can help with that."

    I. was. completely. flabbergasted. I can count the number of people that knew our journey when I left that job, on one hand. Irritated with myself for trusting people. Mad because this woman had the gall to say something even though she doesn't know me from Adam...deep breath.

    I had no clue what to say. No words came to mind.

    I mumbled through something like "Well people like to talk, don't they?" & steered the conversation in a different direction.

    The story goes on from there, but I had a friend who suggested saying "Thanks for your interest and misguided support, but next time please know that what you say can be..(insert word)...and know that sometimes the best thing to say is...(fill in the blank)..."

    How do you know when to become an advocate and when to keep quite? Probably another reason I've started the blog. To help me discover this voice. 

    Some days I absolutely want to shout from the rooftops "WE STRUGGLE WITH FERTILITY! TAKE NOTICE, but know we are okay! But be advised it's a struggle" and other days I barely even think about it. 



    The other seat on the bus I have been occupying is the money one. To date I have just over $500 saved for our next round, but then I had this thought. 

    I could pay off two bills with that money. Two less debts that we would have to worry about. The thought of spending that money almost infuriates me. However, in the back of my mind, I know it's a better idea to go into this with the least amount of debt as possible. 

    So, here I sit. Sitting on my advocacy and money seats. Trying to figure out what to do. Or not do. Until then...just relax, unwind, and enjoy the weekend.

    XO,
    C

    Wednesday, July 22, 2015

    Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn

    I've struggled with the direction of the blog. At first I thought it would be a great idea to write letters about our journey to our future child, maybe post it online...because if it's not online it's not true...please not the laughing sarcasm. (I promise I'm getting to the book) But quite honestly, I just know I wanted a way to connect with other bloggers, other couples like myself. Read other peoples stories, know that there is someone out there who is struggling like us.

    On one hand it's good to know that we're not alone, but then there's the realization...crap...you have stories like ours & these stories are crappy. I just know I wanted, or rather I felt God put it on my heart to start a blog about our journey to connect with others.

    Well...kind of. I have the tendency when God starts giving me direction, to not completely and utterly understand his message...as I tend to be the impatient type. I think "Okay God! I got this!" And run away while he's still trying to deliver the rest of the speech.

    And while I'm in limbo with treatments and currently having a decent week with my emotions, I thought it might be kind of fun to read you my thoughts on the book Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn.



    It's for a book club I'm in. I'll start by saying I will be posting some spoilers so if you haven't read it yet and are intending too, I'll say thanks for stopping by, I'll post again tomorrow!! LOL
    However, I will admit 2 things. 1st being the further I got into the book the more I can tell you...it's not meant for women who are struggling with this fertility journey. Because this book is ALL ABOUT the twisted relationship between a mentally crazed women who has no idea how to not only parent her children but how to LOVE her children.

    It makes you want to through the book across the room. You want to reach in the book grab Adora (the mother) and smack her around.

    On a literary standpoint:: It's an amazing book. Very dark, if that's your sort of thing. Great writing, she tells the story in a very different way then I'm used too. First she introduces the action--what is essentially propelling the book forward, then she drops little dark hints about what the main character's mental health is, then waits until chapter 5 to physically describe her facial features. It has a driving force behind it and you're compelled to almost read it in one sitting.

    So anyway, I digress...also here's where the spoilers sort of creep up.

    (These were all sent via text to a girl in my book)
    pg 45:: Amma killed them. She's creepy...don't like her...definitely don't trust her. 
    BCF(Book club friend):: ahahahhaaaa!!! Keep reading

    (pg 65) I think the mother pulls out her eye lashes because it's a physical way to represent that she "can't believe what she's seeing. Also I think Camille (the main character in the book--she used to carve words into her skin, and now the remain as tiny, raised, white tattoos, as a testament to her past.) cuts and carves herself because it's a way for her to write her own story since she didn't a chance when she was a kid.

    pg. 93:: I blame Camille's mother and grandmother for everything that is wrong in her life.

    pg. 125:: I am going to throw the book at the wall (but I don't because it's on my nook. I like my nook) I need Xanax

    pg. 128:: This emotionally unstable and heartless book is making me binge eat...luckily it was only almonds and dried cranberries, BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE!
    Also...definitely not going to our high school reunion.The more things change, the more they stay the same. Catty women. I'm disgusted.

    ((No page number for this one)) I HATE ADORA! She should die. She's worst human being...she just drunkenly told her daughter OUT LOUD "I know why I don't love you."

    I had to put the book down. I got so ferocious... all I could think was...






    I also hope Richard is the real deal and just not out for some strange.

    After being so enraged at how someone could treat their baby, I had to do it. I did the ONE THING you're not suppose to do in book club. I googled the ending. I had too because honestly if it wasn't going to end well, I wasn't going to be at the next book club meeting. Not until I could emotionally process life.


    I'll say, there is some justice, but it's one of those books that will leave you hanging....I will read to the end I've decided, but I'm not going to pick the book back up until next...after I find a book to cleanse my pallet.




    Alright everyone, I'm off to bed.
    XO,
    C

    Tuesday, July 21, 2015

    During a Storm, Hope

    I am almost at a loss as for what to post today. The fertility issues aren't on the forefront of my mind at this moment, but I can tell you I officially have $494 in our IUI fund!

    I'm pretty excited about that! Just a few more small steps closer...okay...one small step closer, but a step nonetheless.

    Today, I am not struggling. Today is a good day.

    One of my clients talked about how it took her daughter 6 years, and 6 rounds of IUI's before they got their granddaughter whose now 22 months.

    Stories like that, are almost blessings to me. They are the drops of water I need on rough days. It reminds me that at 4 and a half years into this journey, I can still do.


    While the storm isn't raging for me today, in case it is for you I hope this quote helps.

    XO,
    C

    Monday, July 20, 2015

    Microblog Monday #3- Pictures

    I took a few pictures last month when we were going through our firs cycle, but I haven't known exactly what to do with them.

    A reminder that I came through? That this was my life at one point and will be again and maybe a again?

    Now that I have this little space on the internet, I'd really like to share the pictures. Perfect for 3rd Microblog Monday from Stirrup Queens.







    Thank you for sharing this journey with me. 
    XO,
    C

    Sunday, July 19, 2015

    Funeral Thoughts

    I had a cousin pass away earlier this week. Part of the family and I traveled to go to the funeral. This was a tough one. Normally, I am content knowing that our loved ones have gone onto heaven. It's usually the people left behind that I grieve for.

    But this one...this was rough.

    He was only 37 years old. Not married. No kids. A very Godly man, hysterical, continually helped others. It was a long battle with cancer that finally stole the life from him. It was awful. He kept his humor as long as possible though.

    It was hard watching his mother. Losing a child. No one should have to bury a child. No matter the age. And this was the second child she's buried. Somehow, that feels worse.

    The sermon was very nice though. The pastor used Psalm 27.


    When cousin D prayed he always used the name Yeshua, which means  to rescue to deliver, the one who saves.

    Cousin D believed in the saving power and grace of Jesus. Always believing that. A young man, buried with his bible. Friday night when I laid my head down to rest, while praying I got the sense that Cousin D was up in heaven, telling me that he was good. He was really good. I could hear and see him laugh. I slept really well, knowing that he had been saved. Not for this life, but for the one in Heaven.

    I wish I had words to express this more clearly, but I don't always feel articulate enough when it comes to talking about the Lord. I can only tell you what I feel and what I've experienced in my own life. 

    It's times like these though, that make me wonder...if his mom had known that this is how his story when end, would she still have had him? I think most moms would say yes. Especially knowing that Cousin D touched a lot of lives with his job, with his humor, with his belief. To listen to her cry and understand her pain. Broke my heart.





    Here's to brighter days, a toast to loved ones lost, and remembering that we are never alone.
    XO,
    C

    Thursday, July 16, 2015

    I was going to rant...

    I was set up for this spectacular rant about 30minutes ago that I was going to post and just laminate ALL of my stupid freaking feelings...

    But in the midst of almost getting ready to cry my eyes out, I took a breath. I reminded myself that I told myself yesterday, that I decided I was okay in the wait. I'm fine with the wait.

    At least until I'm 32 (I'm currently 28) and then I'll reevaluate...It's probably an odd thing to decide but it's what I decided and I'm fine with it.



    But today...it could be that this is my first natural period since the negative pregnancy test 5 weeks ago...if that makes sense....as in, I had a period right after because I obviously wasn't pregnant but having PCOS and knowing that I had given my diet a break for a few weeks...well, I was actually excited! I know starting your period can be horrible for some women, mine is, when we're "actively" trying but right now? There's nothing to be done. Just wait. So to have a normal period...a "normal" cycle...



    (I really hope I'm not speaking too soon)


    My rant was going to be about how...well...I'm watching a show with a friend. In this show there was a pregnancy scare for one of the characters. I told her I was a little disappointed in it, becaue sometimes I'm tired of everyone FICTIONAL and NON-FICTIONAL conceiving with the like power of rabbits. Said friend said while she understands, it's probably not good to focus on that for my health.

    I needed a minute to figure out a response. But the truth is I was irritated...really? How can I not focus on it? Lately most days are good days. And these emotions are SO fluid and contradictory that I can't even make heads or tales of them.

    On one hand I'm irritated because friend A isn't sharing her pregnancy stuff with me while friend B shares ALL of her pregnancy stuff with me. I have to check myself literally every time I want to talk to friends, A, B, and C. And that in itself is annoying. I don't want to have to think about my feelings and deal with them or put them aside to deal with later.

    I'm busy enough! I have other things to do than to figure out what to do with the wack-a-do feelings I do have!

    Who knows...maybe I wasn't interested in the scare on the show because I did in fact start my period today, or because I was irritated with the story line of how the character could have potentially ended up pregnant. I don't know.

    I told my friend that I work on it every day. That every day is different. I have more better days than bad days, and that it really just depends on which day it is and that dictates how I feel...

    What I didn't say was "DO YOU THINK THIS IS EASY?" Why do people think this easy? Don't they realize...well...I'll let you fill in all of this...I'm sure I'm speaking to the choir.

    but that was 30 minutes ago. In the rush of my frustration.



    Now, I'm just happy I'll be leaving work soon.

    XO,
    C

    Wednesday, July 15, 2015

    Gonal-F rebate

    I received two checks from the Compassionate Care program yesterday. It wasn't quite as much as I had hoped...turns out I read the email wrong, but it was also more than the email had stated, so that was nice.

    Total savings for the IUI as of today:: $441.58

    I also sold our kitchen table.

    It was huge, it took up so much space in our tiny kitchen. We have NO storage space at our house and holding onto it, was getting sad. Part of me was ready to see it go, I kept thinking well it's just as two, who needs a table this big. But the truth is, that's not the table I envisioned having big family dinners around. So far now, I'm ready to move on.

    I have hope for today. My tiny savings fund is growing and I'm actively making changes in our house. Things are starting to be a little more organized. I think that's a tough part of the fertility battle.

    Not having projects. Something that we can control.

    So right now, I can see the small changes in my house. The opening up of it. The organization of it. Taking out old things, prepping for the garage sale. It's helping. Reminding me that I am seeing progress, even if it is from the one corner, of the one room, in the back of the house.

    I know all things are working together, coming together for my good. At least that's what I am choosing to believe today.


    XO,
    C

    Monday, July 13, 2015

    Today was a good day

    Okay, this post is a tiny bit over a micro post, linked up though! (Almost double I think...almost 16 whole sentences...only 8 over, lol)
     
     I was able to give myself a lot of positive talk today. Reminding myself that even though we're in a holding pattern, that our journey isn't over yet. That there is hope. That, for right now, in this moment, there is still time. Whether it takes another 4 and a half more years, (which is probably when we'll actually have the money to try and try and try again) there will still be hope. Hearing other people's stories of waiting, knowing we're not alone.

    Reading that passage about how Elizabeth and Zacharias were holy and righteous before God, Luke 1:6. As well as "well advanced in age" Reminded me that with God, all things are possible. That there is still hope for this day and the next.

    That's half the battle though most days, isn't it? Reminding ourselves that this journey ABSOLUTELY, positively is wretched. However, we can be joyous in the wait.

    (photo credit in the pictures)

    Total for savings this week over $270! Just a little bit each day is building on my small little number. Can't wait to get the Gonal-F rebate back...

    Ugh, which reminds me...my next few posts are probably going to be about setting up for a garage sale...bleh...okay...

    not overwhelmed...

    It's bedtime and I'm SO CLOSE To finishing a book I'm reading! Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!
    XO,
    C

    Sunday, July 12, 2015

    Bed, Bath, and the land of IF

    Friday night C & I went to the furniture store to look for a new bedroom set. Mostly just gathering prices so we know what to start saving for. We looked a few options, one looked like it was out of the Lethal Weapon bedroom set from 1992. It had all these awesome nooks and crannies to hide guns in lock boxes or hidey doors...really neat! But the wood was this outdated color as well as they had these tacky mirrors on the headboard.

    Anyway...I spent way to much thought on that, lol...we ended up looking at this set made by the Amish. The craftsmanship was impeccable. It was the type that was built to last for life! It even had this picture of a Shetland pony standing in the bed drawer.

    Basically imagine this pony, in the bed drawer.




    I was amazed that, that adorable tubby pony could stand in the that drawer! It made me wonder...out loudly, if the dresser could also take that kind of abuse. The man, who was around C & I's age, asked if we had kids.

    Now, I don't know about you, but most of the time when a stranger asks me if we have kids I've found it easier to just say "no." But apparently I say it in a such way it implies "No. Never. Why would you even ask that." So whether I answered simply with "no." or "No. Never." The sales rep said "Well, if you ever do, you know that dresser would be able to withstand kids climbing all over it. I know I did it when I was kid."

    He was around our age. Married, in fact he and his wife had just visited Mexico. Not a pushy guy, in fact I kind of liked him. And the simple way he answered back instead of making the "If" word sound awful.."IF YOU EVER!"

    I stopped to think maybe he and his wife might be in the same boat, or if he was just a kind soul and understood that life doesn't always work out the way you planned, he still said it very nicely and didn't ask questions.

    Made for a great experience. Right before we walked through the stinkin' crib section. UGH! 

    LOL...

    XO,

    Friday, July 10, 2015

    Movies, Shows, The Bible, and other books

    When C & I first started this journey, it seemed to me that we were incredibly isolated. There were no other couples struggling like we were. We knew, no couples or families, that took them forever to have children.

    Which is a total lie, my aunt struggled. But we don't live close and at the time, it wasn't something we were willing to talk about yet. We hadn't been to the doctors, yet, and all I knew was I felt exahusted and abandoned. I sought out books and movies that could bring some sense to what I was feeling. It all helped me feel less alone.

    Here is my list of movies and books helped me feel less alone.

    Movies/TV:
    Facing the Giants
    Up
    The Odd Life of Timothy Green



    The Longest Ride
    Julie and Julia (It was only a very small part in the movie, she cried when her sister announced her pregnancy)
    Even the Avengers had a small moment.
    That episode of F.r.i.e.n.d.s...with Chandler and Monica
    I would be amiss if I didn't mention Charollte and Harry's Struggles on SATC
    Did you hear about the Morgans? There was a bit in the movie as well that went laregly undecetted.
    Juno
    How I Met Your Mother (Robin's storyline- the last season)

    I'm sure there are more out there but my favorite movie by far was absolutely, well a tie anyway, was The Odd Life of Timothy Green and The Longest Ride. If you're in need of a good cry and a little bit of a hopeful story, these two movies are perfect for that.

    Books: I've only read one book so far that even remotely had a good theme to it. It's about a couple who are just struggling in general and after an accident...maybe a gunshot...it's been awhile since I've read it, but it left her unable to have children. It's a great story of this couple coming together and how life is for them after this tragic event.
    Lover's Knot by Emilie Richards

    Maybe Baby sounds like a good read, I will put this on my Barnes and Noble Wish List
    The Longest Ride, is sitting on Nook waiting to be read. It's nothing like the movie, but I'm hoping just as good...I'm not a HUGE fan of Nicholas Sparks as I can usually guess how the book will end with 90% of his books, but I'm looking forward to this read none-the-less.

    Women in the Bible:



    But let's REALLY not forget the women in the bible who struggled with infertility. With Great Expectation writes a great post on this. I don't know that I can do justice to these stories quite like Logan did.

    The Purpsoeful Mom has a great post of finding hope with these stories in the bible as well. I've her #1 " in the Bible, infertility is not uniquely associated with unconfessed sin in our lives.
    Rather, infertility is most often associated with displaying the glory of God.
    A dear friend once brought to my attention the account of Zacharias and Elizabeth. In their old age, this barren couple was chosen to be the miracle-parents of John the Baptist. Look and see what truth God conveys here in Luke 1:6-7: “[Zacharias and Elizabeth] were both righteous in the sight of God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and requirements of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and they were both advanced in years.”
    Elizabeth was righteous in God’s sight. She was blameless. And she wasbarren.
    If God is convicting you of personal sin, then confess it to Him. But do not fall for the guilt-trap that your barrenness is because you’re not good enough to have a child, or that you just need to try harder to please and impress God, or that God has forgotten you and doesn’t care about you. He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7), and this path He has chosen for you is about Him, and it’s about His glory."
    Those words were a comfort to me. 
    I've always loved the story of Hagar, espeically since C & I are choosing to use a donor. God blessed Hagar and her son. He did not forget about her, especially her son, making him a man of many nations. {Genesis 21} 
    As someone who is going the donor route, this story brings me hope that we will not be forgotten to be left wandering the wilderness. God will hear our cries. 
    I would love to hear your favorite books or movies that speak to you. Especially books! I do enough tv watching. Which story in the bible speaks most to you?
    XO,
    C

    Thursday, July 9, 2015

    Joy over Bitterness

    Today is a much day than yesterday. After work I called C for an impromptu date night, last night things really turned around! I knew he'd be working late helping a friend, but I talked him into meeting for dinner before he went off for the night.

    It was a blessing to sit down, eat Mexican food, and laugh at really silly stuff such as "If you had an evil liar would you build it into the side of a cliff or under the water?"We were split down the middle.

    I was able to get to the gym too for a good swim...let me define good. I never took real swimming lessons, I just mimicked what I've seen REAL swimmers do. I'm sure the guy ACTUALLY swimming laps two lanes over from me was questioning my style, but it was great.

    I also FINALLY downloaded NetFlix onto my phone...I feel unstoppable now. LOL, I feel like I'll really be able to distract myself with some cheesy shows such as Hart of Dixie, when I'm bored at work.





    Yesterday it occurred to me, that while this journey is long a frustrating and so much joy can easily be stolen from my life, I can do my best to not be bitter.

    It's REALLY hard some days to not be bitter. It's even harder to look for the small blessings that are in each day. Which sounds horrible, I should be looking for these things right? Actually seeking out simple stuff such as, it was awesome to hang out with my hubby for a little bit in the middle of the work week, or the weather was great and made for a good run this morning. My old man of a cat took his pain medicine really well this morning!

    (etsy)

    When I start to get mad or frustrated I NEED to say to myself "What will bring me joy right now? What is something good I can concentrate on?"

    Some upcoming events such as a 5k in August, a 10k in September that I have planned. A mini vacation with the man in September as well. The fact that I now have just a few pennies over $200 saved towards our next cycle. Today it's easy to concentrate on these earthly things.

    Or better things, such as this weekend I get to see my parents! Spend time with a close family member. See my friends soon.

    These are the things I need to remember on truly bad days.

    Today's lesson:: Remember to ask myself 'What will bring me Joy when I'm feeling anything but joyous?' That's one sure fire way to stop a bad mood!

    XO,
    C

    Wednesday, July 8, 2015

    Today's morning bullet

    We have long term house guests right now living with us & while I'm excited to have them, I also know that there's a different element to the relationship whether they know it or not.

    For months I've been dreading them coming. Not that I have ill will towards them or don't like their characters, their amazing people, with extraordinary strength for life.
    I've been dreading their arrival, for one simple reason, they stated "as soon as we get back to the states, we can't wait to start a family."

    I was really hoping that if I can't get pregnant in my house, that they would also choose to not get pregnant in my house.

    This morning as I was eating my breakfast, at about 7:45am, I asked Ms. Fitness if she had any upcoming events. She said no, that she would wait two years before getting back into competition shape. "It's time for us to have kids. He wants to get me pregnant." Almost kind of rolled her eyes a little bit and chuckled...I may have imagined that part..."But no, really, it's time."

    I had no idea what to say. "Oh!" Eyes cut left to stare out the suddenly interesting window in my kitchen.


    I may need to find a way to tell her that I am happy for them & this next step in their lives, but I'm not sure how to exactly go about it telling them, that right now, talking about someone NATURALLY trying to conceive is a painful conversation to have right now.
    We're not super close but they do know about both of our diagnoses, we may act okay, but inside it's still hard.



    What I need to do is figure out how to NOT let the devil steal my joy between now and the end of our story. It's a constant battle to choose happiness over sadness, to choose joy over anger. To find blessings and not be bitter...



    I have discovered two amazing songs this week, that I can't stop playing on repeat...the first was played at Church as we study 10 journeys of the people in the bible, who most people now a days...wouldn't have looked at twice.



    And this one, that was just posted today on In Due Time


    Hopefully these songs help you as much as they are helping me.

    That and some Lecrea on Pandora also REALLY helps. Something about rap music just REALLY does it for me, lol.

    XO,
    C

    Tuesday, July 7, 2015

    Crazy Late

    I'll post tomorrow...it's LATE...and my hubby just turned the lights off in the living off...I guess it's time to hit the hay...

    XO,
    C


    Monday, July 6, 2015

    My First #Microblog Monday

    I didn't mean to take the weekend off! I apologize. 4th of July tends to be an emotional trigger for me, that and I was CRAZY busy with family events all weekend.

    But I'm here! I powered through!! And back for my first Microblog Monday! (Brought to you by Stirrup Queens.)


    And now, I finally get to relax...finish my popcorn and wine and continue watching Scandal! Because if there's any way to take your mind off your own issues, it's listening to others issues. 

    Do you ever do that? Just sit and listen to a friend complain about her mother in law, her pets, or crazy neighbor's? Maybe even her husband. And in that moment, even though your heart breaks for you friend because her boy friend, who seemed amazing, has suddenly dumped her...you find peace in knowing that you're not alone in your struggle.

    Pain is pain. We all have it. We all relate to it. All we can do is support each other, so here I am watching scandal talking to my best friend via text and sending her all the pins she needs to help forget old what's his name...all while watching one of the best shows on television ::winky face::


    XO,
    C

    Friday, July 3, 2015

    The Dreaded 10 Year Reunion

    I live in the Midwest...where having babies right after the honeymoon ends, is as common as the common cold. Most people joke about how easy it was for the them to conceive.

    We on the other hand...well...I don't have to tell you. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.

    I got tagged on a post recently on Facebook "Are you going? Just trying to get a head count."

    This from the woman whose on kid number 4.

    Do I go? Do I not go?

    Other than weighing 50lbs less NOW then I did when I GRADUATED high school, there's not a TON of reason for me to go...pretty conceded of me, if I'm going just to say "Look at me now!" I feel like that's not a good enough excuse.



    The other reason? I bet I almost don't have to tell you...

    "Charlotte, how come you guys don't have kids? When are you going to have kids? Do you even want kids?"

    I wish I could have some awesome responses ready such as "Oh, we're too busy traveling and just enjoying being young. Someday, if it's meant to happen." (I wish I could be one of those alof people who couldn't care either which way the breeze blows.)


    I have been able to accept that things are working out though. Even though I can't see it, it's all going to come together in the end. In the end it will make sense, and it will be okay.




    XO,
    C

    Thursday, July 2, 2015

    $153.78

    Do you know how some days your infertility battle weighs on you like a wet heavy blanket, yet other days you're so busy that you barely register your emotions?
    Yesterday was the latter, but today as I finally sent off the the Gonal-F rebate, I realized that the IUI Fund will double here shortly. Which is good news! However, it sent me into a tail spin for when I might actually have the money together.

    For a solid hour I was thinking about what could I start selling. Almost hating that I couldn't start on it right that second. 
     
    I was just getting so excited...

    It reminded me though of a blog post or a comment I read some where...which I can't seem to find...about how suffering and battling through infertility you almost don't know what choices to make.

    'If we buy a new house, how many bedrooms? I would like 3 if we do have kids but if we don't I need something smaller. Too big reminds me of my heartache...'

    I started thinking about all the bills we have too. While the total number of our debt lowered this month it's still quite a bit. I want to pay for our next cycle, in it's entirety by myself...in cash. No, maxing out my credit cards, no draining our savings. Just straight cash.

    Trusting God will bring us the money, help us find the money...that it will be there...but yet not knowing how to plan my life.

    'Do I sign up for races in October, when will we have enough money? I've recently started eating dairy again, when should I give that up, again?'







    I think that pretty much accurately describes my feelings...

    So, take a breath, remember the good...speak life into my situation.

    There's a chance this may work for us. Just have to find the right mix of medication, to date- I have not been told that this won't work. 

    If you need a few more reminders check out Lisa Appleo's Post 6 Truths for When God hasn't answered your prayer yet.




    XO,
    C


    Wednesday, July 1, 2015

    John 13:7

    As I was driving into work this morning, I was asking God why do I have to continue to wait? We've waited 4 and a half years with heart break after heart break. What a struggle it's been looking back. I'm a better person, absolutely, because of this but still Lord, maybe if I knew the why, I could wait a little longer...Why? Why? Why? Why?

    Then this verse popped into my head. I'm not sure how God talks to you, or if he even does. I've always believed that he does, but we just don't always hear him. It reminds me of the 1 Kings 19:11-13 Where the Lord Speaks to Elijah at Horeb. First the loud wind, then violent earthquake, then the scorching fire, then finally after the fire, a gentle blowing. 13. "When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold a voice came to him and said 'What are you doing here Elijah?"

    I feel like I have to be really still and pay attention in order to receive God's messages to me. I'm not patient and I am really great at NOT paying attention but today, whether it was the verse that I remembered studying or it was God speaking life into my thought patterns, these words came to mind...


    It really shut my thought process down. Helped me remember that in due time this will all work out. For God's glory, yes, but also for me, because God loves me.

    I've heard some really encouraging stories this week from others who battle this same struggle and even from odd sources like a romance novel I'm reading...(Yes I totally read romance novels, I won't tell you which one, least you should judge me, lol...but the inspiration did strike.)

    The quote from the book was "It took strength and courage to know when you were at the outside of what you could handle." I hate having to tell friends "Yes, I'll be at the baby shower, but I probably won't stay long." Hearing that quote helped me remember that, it's okay to know my limits.

    Then this video...have you seen it? What a testimony. It's about 14 minutes long, but if you're going to watch it, have the tissues readily available. I pretty much balled right after hearing it...another great reminder that this will work out.


    I first saw it over at In Due Time and not being a good place, I waited till later when it was posted on Waiting for Baby Bird's Blog to watch it.


    This song...is really my anthem it seems for waiting...



    So, while I'm waiting, I will do my best to praise him and to find joy in the hard days of waiting I have get to endure.

    XO,
    C