I was set up for this spectacular rant about 30minutes ago that I was going to post and just laminate ALL of my stupid freaking feelings...
But in the midst of almost getting ready to cry my eyes out, I took a breath. I reminded myself that I told myself yesterday, that I decided I was okay in the wait. I'm fine with the wait.
At least until I'm 32 (I'm currently 28) and then I'll reevaluate...It's probably an odd thing to decide but it's what I decided and I'm fine with it.
But today...it could be that this is my first natural period since the negative pregnancy test 5 weeks ago...if that makes sense....as in, I had a period right after because I obviously wasn't pregnant but having PCOS and knowing that I had given my diet a break for a few weeks...well, I was actually excited! I know starting your period can be horrible for some women, mine is, when we're "actively" trying but right now? There's nothing to be done. Just wait. So to have a normal period...a "normal" cycle...
(I really hope I'm not speaking too soon)
My rant was going to be about how...well...I'm watching a show with a friend. In this show there was a pregnancy scare for one of the characters. I told her I was a little disappointed in it, becaue sometimes I'm tired of everyone FICTIONAL and NON-FICTIONAL conceiving with the like power of rabbits. Said friend said while she understands, it's probably not good to focus on that for my health.
I needed a minute to figure out a response. But the truth is I was irritated...really? How can I not focus on it? Lately most days are good days. And these emotions are SO fluid and contradictory that I can't even make heads or tales of them.
On one hand I'm irritated because friend A isn't sharing her pregnancy stuff with me while friend B shares ALL of her pregnancy stuff with me. I have to check myself literally every time I want to talk to friends, A, B, and C. And that in itself is annoying. I don't want to have to think about my feelings and deal with them or put them aside to deal with later.
I'm busy enough! I have other things to do than to figure out what to do with the wack-a-do feelings I do have!
Who knows...maybe I wasn't interested in the scare on the show because I did in fact start my period today, or because I was irritated with the story line of how the character could have potentially ended up pregnant. I don't know.
I told my friend that I work on it every day. That every day is different. I have more better days than bad days, and that it really just depends on which day it is and that dictates how I feel...
What I didn't say was "DO YOU THINK THIS IS EASY?" Why do people think this easy? Don't they realize...well...I'll let you fill in all of this...I'm sure I'm speaking to the choir.
but that was 30 minutes ago. In the rush of my frustration.
Now, I'm just happy I'll be leaving work soon.