Monday, August 31, 2015

I'll be fine again.

(Microblog Monday--head over to stirrup queens to find out what it's all about)

Does anyone else go through phases of things that bother them? Some days...some weeks I can go without feeling that twang of pain in my chest, or think about the what ifs, but other days...other weeks...even the site of babies or pregnant people...just...hurts a little...you know?

I don't know. I'll be fine again. Luckily I have my running to focus on and a few house projects. So I'll be fine again.

XO,
C

Sunday, August 30, 2015

And the total is....

The garage sale is FINALLY over. It was draining. Exhausting really. Physically and emotionally. A lot more than I thought it would be, which is crazy. I'm not sure why my emotions were so heavily invested. I mean do, because the money is going towards our IUI fund but at the same time, it's not...I don't, this sale wasn't going to make or break our savings or our plan, but my heart just got caught up in it all.

I was hoping to make $250. We only made $208. Not bad, considering. Take home though was only $176, still waiting on the $32 other dollars to come, after I deliver a few things. I also sold off the books to a local bookstore for $30 (Already included in the total) and the rest of the clothes, which are name brand, I am planning on posting on Craig's list or some of those buy/sell swap sites.

If you include the $60 we got for watching the dog the $208 we technically have, the $500 from the broken car, and the $50 I'll be getting tomorrow, we will have

$818!

Wooh! Getting a bit closer! I'm so glad it's over.

Even though I didn't reach my goal there are two things I have learned for sure.

My sister, without hesitation when I originally told her about the garage sale said "I will run for you. I will take a day off of work and run for you." She organized, and talked to strangers and posted heavily on facebook.

My success was in part due to my amazing sister. I could not have done this without her.


I worked her to the bone this weekend and she once complained.  Oh how I love her.

Thank you, sister. You are my heart.

XO,
C

Saturday, August 29, 2015

My Perfect Response

Yesterday while working with a client I got asked, the question.The all important "When?" Question.

"When are you going to have babies" My client

"I have formulated the perfect response for that-"

"NO?" They asked laughingly.

"No, not no. We would love some but unfortunately we're having to take the long way around?" 

"What does the long way around mean?"

As much as you can practice fake conversations in your head, sometimes you don't cover all the bases. But I said...

"It means we've been trying for a while but we're basically on a break right now."

"Well has he had his sperm count tested?"

"At this stage in the game, we've had it all tested. Our options will cost us anywhere between $3,000 and $30,000 to build our family, that's including adoption. So for now, we're just kind of on a break."

"Have you thought about foster adoption?"

I wish I could take Brandy's Post from Sweet Aroma about "Why We're not 'just' adopting" with me every where I go. This girl writes the post so beautifully. I need to memorize and educate people when they suggest the same question.
"For some reason it is assumed that if you want kids and can't get pregnant right away, automatically God is calling you to adopt. Obviously, Joel (her husband) and I feel called to adopt. We did before infertility was ever part of our story. But even still the timing and the child and the means must be on His timing and His leading.... not the automatic result of us not getting pregnant."

Quite honestly, I'm thinking about posting it to my Facebook page.  

Fostering is great. Some people are called to do it and that's amazing, God bless you. We need more people out there like you. That is just not our story right now. And quite honestly we have been through to much already for a child to be placed in our home for it be possibly taken away. In the future I might have more strength to be a foster parent but we are still a little raw from being told biological children are NOT a possibility AND our first negative IUI. "the thought of taking in a child, loving it as my own, and having it stripped from me makes me want to hyperventilate. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it if it's what the Lord asked of me... I'm just saying it's not for everyone. Adopting is a huge process." ~Brandy

But I digress. 

I said half as much to my client. "Fost-to-adopt is a great option but we don't want to be put in a position where we would have to give a child up right now, should they be able to go back home. When we have children we would like for them keeps."


My client then says "Kids are great, but they are so much work. It's perfectly okay to not have any."

I replied with "Everyone with kids says that. For now we are just asking for prayers and kind thoughts" What I should have said is "Everyone who finds it easy to breed says that." Because it appears as if they don't appreciate the struggle as much. Also from now, HENCE FORTH (lol), everyone who has NO trouble getting pregnant and has stupid responses or questions will now be referred to as a breeder. 



I then made it a point to change the subject. "What are you doing this weekend."

It worked, it was the last we talked about my sex life.

Well, as of last night at the garage sale we made $77 (technically, as a family member still needs to pick up a bag of clothes), but every little bit helps. Plus the 60 we got for watching a family members dog over the weekend AND include the money we'll get back from selling the car then, our IUI savings will be up to $637!  Hopefully today and tomorrow will go well. Trusting and not expecting. Sigh, I can do this, right?

For now, here's the random music that I came across that might help bring some encouragement for your day. 

Don't judge, it's from a Disney Nature movie about bears. Who doesn't love a good Disney tune though, amIright?

Anyway,
XO,
C

Friday, August 28, 2015

Letting Go and Letting God Garage Sale

I've been knee deep, now eye ball deep, in garage sale work all week. I swear people need to take a week off to deal with this. I started with $60 for the sale in change, spent $10 bucks on signage, bought my sister dinner and coffee, and stickers/poster board for other random odds. Apparently as of today we've made about $75.

If you're not including what I've purchased in food, I'm definiltey making profit, but getting closer to breaking even if you include food/coffee. Two more days of waiting and wondering what will sell.

It's weird having people going through your stuff. Pawing through and deciding what they like and don't like. Because I am doing this garage sale for our IUI, I keep relating it to our fertility journey. Inviting all those people to your house to go through your stuff, was like how people keep invading your personal lives while trying to achieve getting pregnant/adding to your family, etc.

It was weird because I've been quite moody this week and haven't quite figured out why. Then this morning after I helped my sister set up and drive away. I started to cry. And I just realized that I was afraid this garage sale was going to fail, just like the rest of my fertility journey.

But a lot like my day, what I need to do is give it to God. I was leaving to go to work while my sister ran the garage sale. While she held hope for me and made deals for me and was trying to get top dollar for my stuff. I was letting my sister be in control.



I need to let go and let God. It's so much easier said then done. Don't get me wrong.

But by letting someone else hold hope, run the show makes it so much easier on my day to day. I have more room to enjoy my day. To focus on other things.

Right now, I am focusing on getting to bed early as we have two more days left in the sale. Please send prayers that it does well.
Instead of hoping that I make X amount, I am going to let the next 2 days go and just trust God that he will give us the right amount of money this week to put back towards our IUI savings.

Tomorrow I am going to post about how my perfect response went over with a client today! You'll be in for a good read.

XO,
C

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Savings and Garage Sale Update

I went through my garage sale items to inventory them. I was feeling somewhat discouraged last night as I kept thinking, here my sister is going to all this trouble and it's probably not even going to make us a lot of money.

As I was going through my clothes to get rid of and the items in my closets to pitch, well I guess I started to feel a little bit of hope. That if I could get at least half of what we cashed out back, then we'll be doing just fine.

We recently received $60 for watching a family friends dog over the weekend. We were happy to do it, and the money was totally unexpected. While I would LOVE to put it straight into the IUI jar, I am going to divide it up into different cash amounts for the garage sale.

So total savings this week: $0

Feeling of cleaning out the back room and loading the vehicle up with potential money making stuff:: Cleansing.

It's only Tuesday. The start of my work week, plus the garage sale, plus a few extra hours at work next week. I'm really hoping we'll get back up and running in no time.

Wish us luck,
I'll continue to update about the garage sale this week, since it's what's on my mind.

While I'm not upset about cashing out the IUI to fix one of our cars to sale, in fact I have peace about the decision...but it doesn't take away the sadness of wanting to have another cycle done this year.

For now, I'm just going to focus on the good and try to deal with the rest as it comes.
And hoping there's a lot of women out there looking for some old name brand clothing out there!!



XO,
C

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Passing the Time

I've been swamped with life and everything that a full time working person/saving for fertility treatment/runner can endure.

I finally have what seems like a few hours to myself today but it's filled with the little things I've been ignoring. For instance, cleaning my house! LOL, oh goodness.


C has been playing video games all day...well at least since I got back from my run not to long ago. I got a letter written, the house picked up, laundry mostly done, now I just need to shift through the garage sale stuff to make a list of that.

I'm very much looking forward to getting past the garage sale. I'm not sure why I'm so swamped by it, because my sister Rachel is actually going to be the run running it the first two days. She is a magical person. I want something to say thank you but it doesn't seem like enough. She has been such a constant goodness in my life, especially during the darkest days of our infertility. She has the biggest heart and nothing seems good enough to give her. I think I have an idea, but will wait till after the sale.

Speaking of that, I really do need to go sort stuff.

Oh and do you remember that post, where I talked about my weird cravings...well this week's non-pregnancy craving (I should call that something else. I mean really, pregnant women CAN'T be the only people to crave weird things.) was a diet doctor pepper and cheetos. Gosh, that almost still sounds amazing!

OH and my book club picked there next book, The girl on the train. I'll keep you posted as to my thoughts on it.

XO,
C

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Compounded

I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now. Yesterday, rather last night was a fury of emotion. I discovered late last night while I was getting ready for my day today that the man (and his wife) that I had basically taken my statement of faith with, passed away on Thursday. In a car crash.

I never was able to meet him, because after the church service where I reaffirmed my belief in God, I went out to lunch with a friend. I only knew good things about him and what he did in our community. I was heartbroken yet more concerned for the peoples lives that he impacted every day. The inner city kids he brought hope too, his own kids, his church goers.

Just, at an utter loss for words.

In trying to I guess put some semblance to my feelings I started poking around online for articles and came across some incredibly moving and hope filled articles about an adoption story.


I saved the website and then turned my light out to go to bed. Just as I had clicked the light off, C's phone rang. It was a buddy of his. It was after midnight and we were worried something bad happened. Albeit his buddy was a bit...of...well, he was 3 sheets to the wind and feeling like he needed to get something off his chest.

He said "If anything ever happens to me, we want you to be the Godparents to our daughter. We think you guys would make great parents." He just went on with compliments and, well as someone whose imbided a bit, was circling.

I think most guys, not all--which is fine, but most guys don't come to their feelings naturally. They brush it off or wait till it's too late. Bury it. Whatever they have to do to put it in a box and deal with it later or never at all.

As he kept saying we'd make great parents, I started to cry. In the midst of our waiting, in the midst of our pain. Someone was reaching out to us to let us know that they think, even though we don't have kids of our own yet, that we would make great parents. That we could be great stand-ins if anything happened to them.

Aside from the the religious and legal undertones, God parenting to me is a big deal to me. I had some growing up and they were great people. But to be there for a child during what could be a great journey of faith, or to be stand ins if something happened to their parents.
Tears. Just years of joy that someone thought we would be good parents someday. That we are good people.

As I was texting the wife about her hubby she laughing said "yeah we talked about it, but we wanted to ask and it wasn't suppose to be a drunk dial!"

So I guess we haven't officially actually been asked yet, so I can't say officially that I have a God daughter...or whether it's a God daughter by proxy as it is my hubby's friend who asked, but I hope that within the next few weeks we'll be able to sit down and really talk about what this means. I'm filled with joy and sadness.



XO,
C

Friday, August 21, 2015

Cash Out



We cashed out the IUI fund jar today. Grand total was $481.16.

So a few more dollars than I originally thought I had. This week will be crap for savings. Meaning I'm not likely to be able to start the fund again this week. Which is sad, but we're on the hunt for the car parts to fix the extra car, so we can sell it.

I'm really praying that it goes for $3,000 plus.

Also praying it sells fast.

The garage sale is next weekend. I need to get a move on taking inventory of what will be in the sale.

With everything we're trying to achieve our next IUI date, hopefully, will be in January. In talking with a friend she will be in the same boat. Not being able to do anything fertility wise until beginning of next year. We've made it a plan to do something once a month until next year. We're going to take the time to take care of each other and ourselves especially with the impending Holidays. Cause we all know how GRRREEATTT those are when going through treatment or even just more waiting. Having plans helps. Takes the focus off the negativity.

XO,
C

Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Long Way Around

I've done it. I've found my perfect answer. It came to me almost by accident really. Texting with a friend about a really rude consulatnt, who sells disability insurance at my job, and struck up a conversation with me earlier in the year about how I can use disability insurance to pay for when I "go on maternatiy leave". He then promptly asked if we had kids.

I told him no.

He said are you planning on having kids?

This man was essentially a stranger and I wasn't terribly sure how much I wanted to share. On one hand, I hate acting like we're not trying. It's almost like daring the universe to make it so that we're not. It's a crazy thought, but it is what is. Yet, I also hate saying "not yet" but where I live people think that means they can give you adivce and/or ask more questions.



This particular time I decided why not say something? I mumbled through something to the effect of "Well, it isn't easy for everyone, so I don't know."

"Well are you using condoms? Because as long as you're not pregnant right now, we can sign you up for this."

............SUPER AKWARD.

I tried to back peddle out of that conversation as soon as possible. I left, obviously, without signing up with his company.

Well...he was back today. He wanted me to sign up...again. The only hard push he has is that I can use the disability insurance for maternatity leave, because my husband and I have insurnace through his company.



He started in again. "Hey sorry, forgot your name. You just got married right?"

"No. 7 years ago."

"OH, well do you have kids?"

"No."

"Are you planning on having any, anytime soon?"

"No, not in the foreseeable future."

Funny how he was done attempting to sell me the insurance at that point. I was so frustrated, so I started texting a friend when she suggested an answer...which sparked my thought.

From now on I when asked the question "Do you have kids?" I will respond with

  "No, we would love some but unfortunately, we're having to take the long way around."

If this sparks anything further such as suggestions or questions I'll respond with "Right now, prayers and kind thoughts for the journey are welcome." Then change the subject.

I have found my blog header. I've changed it many times since I've started this tiny little blog, but I can feel it starting to take shape.

Thank you to my friend who helped me discover my perfect answer.



XO,
C

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

New Bible Study Devtional

I have discovered a new plan on the bible app entitled Infertility Encouragement from Sarah's Laughter--which is from a website I just learned about--You can check out the plan on your computer or your phone here. .  Sarah's Laughter website takes prayer requests, there is a gift shop, and links to support groups.


It has been a wonderful read. There is a devotional followed with 1 or 2 bible verses. I have found it to be very encouraging. I definitely recommend checking it out if Devotionals are your thing.


XO,
C

Monday, August 17, 2015

Debt or Baby?

My post might be a bit on the long side for a MicroMonday but I do enjoy linking up and reading everyone's posts.

We're in a unique position these days. We have a chance to really hunker down and pay down a ton of our debt over the next 5 months or attempt to scramble to get together money for the IUI fund.

If we're being realistic though, there's no way we'd be able to pay for baby, plus debt, plus missing work. While I had dreams of doing a cycle in October (unless by some miracle) our new set date is January. Right after the Holidays.

This year will be rough. The next 4 months will probably drag by...I'll probably hate it, but in reality? I'm really hoping time is on our side. I'll be 29 this fall and am hoping by next year I'll be in a better position money wise to pay for our next cycle without debt and without extra worry.

After the hit of taking money out for a broken dryer plus saving a few dollars...literally dollars, our total savings is up to $473 and some odd change.

While talking to C tonight, if we take $400 of it and fix one of the cars we have, we can then turn that around and sell it for hopefully $3,000!


$500 would go back into the IUI fund while the rest would go towards one of the remaining 5 accounts of debt we have hanging over our heads. Not to mention whatever money I'll save between now and January plus garage sale money.

I guess this might be what is called being good stewards of our money.

Hoping time and miracles are our on side. I'm going to need the reminders over the next few months.

XO,
C
 

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Amateur Nester::23 Quotes on Infertility

You have to read these quotes from a collection of interviews over at Amateur Nester, they touched me. I hope you will find some strength, joy, and encouragment from them as well.



XO,
C

Friday, August 14, 2015

Short Post

I'm not entirely sure what I intended to write about today, I guess I was just thinking about how I haven't posted in awhile.

As soon as I logged in I remembered I stumbled across I blog I want to look into. FertilityChick.blogspot.com

Like C & I, Fertility Chick and her husband also struggle with dual diagnosis infertility. While checking out her blog I also came across His & Hers Infertility (just like the towels)


While I had started my day a small, tiny, minute, pitty party, seeing other peoples journies, how much they've struggled and shared and loved...and just survived. I felt a little less alone. I love hearing other peoples stories. Perhaps that's why there's no many of us bloggers out there.

I hate that we're on this journey, but at least I have good company and great women of faith and strength around me.

XO,
C

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Tired

Friday night as I was running through the blazing heat, very slowly, I realized that when I looked to far ahead it threw off my gait. I got overwhelmed with sheer amount of miles I had yet to go. However, when I kept my gaze just in front of me, focused on the ground, I was about to keep my focus and stay steady.

I love running because I feel it's a great physical metaphor for life.

This particular moment reminded me of my current situation. The amount of time and effort it is going to take to accomplish starting a family whether through IUI, IVF, or adoption, is overwhelming. Will I have to fill out more paperwork? What will next cycles labs look like? Will we ever find a donor?

However, if I stay focused on the path that God has planned out for me, one step at time, I can do this.

I mostly believe that I can do this.

Today I had a baby shower to go too. I wanted to go. It was for an out of town friend, whom I miss dearly. I was happy to go in fact. However, I knew a large part of me knew I was going to prove a point to myself.

To prove to the people around me that I'm okay, that I'm not suffering under the weight of this journey.

Do you ever think people are tired of you feeling sad?

I think everyone I know, or I assume everyone is tired of me being tired. So I put a brave face on. Tell everyone I'm fine. That I don't care anymore. That I'm completely content with God's plan.

But that's not the truth.

The truth is I'm just tired of being tired.

I survived the baby shower though! I was happy to see my friend. A little sad, okay a big portion sad, but only for what I do not have, yet!
However, the survival was short lived as I had to follow up with a kid's birthday and pregnancy announcement.

If today doesn't call for a celebratory glass of wine I don't know what does. But I'm trying to behave.

So maybe another night. Tonight, I'm tired.

XO,
C

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Research for My First Garage Sale

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit overwhelmed with the garage sale idea...but what must be, will be done!!

I say this with conviction.

I sought out a few articles on garage sale tips. But it basically sounds like, don't get your hopes up for too much money. Sort of disappointing to hear, but every little bit counts, right?

Here are the two articles I found that make the most sense

From a Slob Comes Clean--tons of great articles on her site.
From Making Lemonade, also a good article on lowering your expectations, and how to organize and advertise



So in my research, I've realized that while this might not quite be the most money making venture, it will help declutter and destress my house. Help my house feel more like a home. Also, it will remind me once again, how my friends and family are supporting me by donating to our garage sale and helping with it!

Just a few more weeks now! EEK!

I think I will definitely need fun signage though.


If anything, this brought a smile to my day!
Wish me luck...also if you have tips and advice on having a garage sale, they are welcome!
 https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8938256208908732408#editor/target=post;postID=514052971993063863
So, price low, sell EVERYTHING, fun signs, organize the sale, have a few bogos, and don't forget to sell some snacks!



Do I need a counterfeit pen?
XO,
C


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

He is with us

I was dealing with some minor situational depression over the weekend. I say minor because while I was enveloped in sadness and tiredness throughout the weekend due to over huge amounts of stress I wasn't completely headed towards a breakdown. Situational Depression is a short-term form of depression that can occur in the aftermath of a various traumatic changes in your normal life.  
Major events included are divorce, a death of a loved one, retirement, loss of a job, but I'm also going to add living with others (that are not your spouse), going through a deployment, infertility. (Dealing with the last 3.)

The debt we have hanging over our heads isn't a lot but it's a lot when you have to add fertility treatments on top of it. Going over bills and discussing the tiny amount I have in the IUI fund, it occurred to me that we may not actually be able to get to do an IUI round this year.

Which sent me into a spiral of what about next year? Next year we would be in a better position to accomplish another cycle, but how do you fit an IUI cycle into the rest of your life? Next year I will be 30. It's been a dream of mine (along with having at least two kids by 30) to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon. The amount of time it would take to train and schedule, well, if I wasn't pregnant by January 2016 then I wasn't going to be able to do another cycle until 2017.

Talk about depressing, realizing two dreams might have to wait. Although the half marathon will always be there, I'm not sure my body will wait.
 


 I'm so tired of waiting. It's so hard to wait. Lately I feel like I belong in the Whose Who Book of Jobs. Monday it was all I could do to keep speaking life into my day. Saying positive things. Luckily, I have people that really truly help speak life into a bad day when I cannot. My mom after holding me while crying just told me, very nicely and with comfort, that I need to stop being atlas and carrying the world on my shoulders. Remember to breath deep. She said. She cried with me a little bit and said "I didn't want this for you. This is hard."
Powerful words. Knowing that my parents are still in this with us.

Then a really good friend sent me a powerful email reminding of God's love for me. "God is hurting with you, with us! He hates this for you! I hate this for you! But have hope! Trust in God! He has a plan for you and it's better than you can even imagine. Tell God how you feel and don't be ashamed of your feelings. He knows what you're thinking anyway."

Then I read this amazing post over at In Due Time, the line that really stuck with me was about what it's really like to follow God.

"Some days it’s hard to accept that I’m still waiting. It’s hard to feel like I don’t belong in the two groups surrounding me: the mom world and the infertility world. I can’t relate to either. I know following Jesus isn’t supposed to be comfortable. I know it’s not about me fitting in. It isn’t about the path everyone else is on either. It doesn’t matter that my journey to becoming a mom doesn’t make sense to most. It doesn’t matter that I feel left out. What matters is that I am obedient to God and what He has called us to do – even if it leaves me feeling like I don’t belong."









XO,
C