Wednesday, August 5, 2015

He is with us

I was dealing with some minor situational depression over the weekend. I say minor because while I was enveloped in sadness and tiredness throughout the weekend due to over huge amounts of stress I wasn't completely headed towards a breakdown. Situational Depression is a short-term form of depression that can occur in the aftermath of a various traumatic changes in your normal life.  
Major events included are divorce, a death of a loved one, retirement, loss of a job, but I'm also going to add living with others (that are not your spouse), going through a deployment, infertility. (Dealing with the last 3.)

The debt we have hanging over our heads isn't a lot but it's a lot when you have to add fertility treatments on top of it. Going over bills and discussing the tiny amount I have in the IUI fund, it occurred to me that we may not actually be able to get to do an IUI round this year.

Which sent me into a spiral of what about next year? Next year we would be in a better position to accomplish another cycle, but how do you fit an IUI cycle into the rest of your life? Next year I will be 30. It's been a dream of mine (along with having at least two kids by 30) to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon. The amount of time it would take to train and schedule, well, if I wasn't pregnant by January 2016 then I wasn't going to be able to do another cycle until 2017.

Talk about depressing, realizing two dreams might have to wait. Although the half marathon will always be there, I'm not sure my body will wait.

 I'm so tired of waiting. It's so hard to wait. Lately I feel like I belong in the Whose Who Book of Jobs. Monday it was all I could do to keep speaking life into my day. Saying positive things. Luckily, I have people that really truly help speak life into a bad day when I cannot. My mom after holding me while crying just told me, very nicely and with comfort, that I need to stop being atlas and carrying the world on my shoulders. Remember to breath deep. She said. She cried with me a little bit and said "I didn't want this for you. This is hard."
Powerful words. Knowing that my parents are still in this with us.

Then a really good friend sent me a powerful email reminding of God's love for me. "God is hurting with you, with us! He hates this for you! I hate this for you! But have hope! Trust in God! He has a plan for you and it's better than you can even imagine. Tell God how you feel and don't be ashamed of your feelings. He knows what you're thinking anyway."

Then I read this amazing post over at In Due Time, the line that really stuck with me was about what it's really like to follow God.

"Some days it’s hard to accept that I’m still waiting. It’s hard to feel like I don’t belong in the two groups surrounding me: the mom world and the infertility world. I can’t relate to either. I know following Jesus isn’t supposed to be comfortable. I know it’s not about me fitting in. It isn’t about the path everyone else is on either. It doesn’t matter that my journey to becoming a mom doesn’t make sense to most. It doesn’t matter that I feel left out. What matters is that I am obedient to God and what He has called us to do – even if it leaves me feeling like I don’t belong."


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