Sunday, August 9, 2015

Tired

Friday night as I was running through the blazing heat, very slowly, I realized that when I looked to far ahead it threw off my gait. I got overwhelmed with sheer amount of miles I had yet to go. However, when I kept my gaze just in front of me, focused on the ground, I was about to keep my focus and stay steady.

I love running because I feel it's a great physical metaphor for life.

This particular moment reminded me of my current situation. The amount of time and effort it is going to take to accomplish starting a family whether through IUI, IVF, or adoption, is overwhelming. Will I have to fill out more paperwork? What will next cycles labs look like? Will we ever find a donor?

However, if I stay focused on the path that God has planned out for me, one step at time, I can do this.

I mostly believe that I can do this.

Today I had a baby shower to go too. I wanted to go. It was for an out of town friend, whom I miss dearly. I was happy to go in fact. However, I knew a large part of me knew I was going to prove a point to myself.

To prove to the people around me that I'm okay, that I'm not suffering under the weight of this journey.

Do you ever think people are tired of you feeling sad?

I think everyone I know, or I assume everyone is tired of me being tired. So I put a brave face on. Tell everyone I'm fine. That I don't care anymore. That I'm completely content with God's plan.

But that's not the truth.

The truth is I'm just tired of being tired.

I survived the baby shower though! I was happy to see my friend. A little sad, okay a big portion sad, but only for what I do not have, yet!
However, the survival was short lived as I had to follow up with a kid's birthday and pregnancy announcement.

If today doesn't call for a celebratory glass of wine I don't know what does. But I'm trying to behave.

So maybe another night. Tonight, I'm tired.

XO,
C

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