Earlier this week I was at my Therapist's office. I started seeing a therapist two years ago...I believe I started going two months after my husband's azoospermia diagnosis. My first therapist, while wonderful, became pregnant and decided to take year off to do the mom thing.
Great. So I had to find another one, in all honestly my last therapist said, you'd really work well with Therapist A or Therapist B. Well, turns out Therapist B was older then therapist A, soooo I bet you can guess who I picked...I didn't want to have to find ANOTHER therapist because they ALSO got pregnant....lol....all you can do is laugh.
Anyway, as I was talking to her she was explaining how this journey of infertility looks, (Caroline over at In Due Time writes a really great post, almost explaining this journey looks like, feels like.) my therapist explained it's like murky water, I just pictured a marsh. A swampy, horrible, stinky marsh. She went on to say that 'this is the course. You did not cause this. Nothing you've said or thought caused you to be infertile.' Funny how those thoughts pop in every once in awhile. 'This is just the course you are on. Everyone who experiences infertility has thought these same thoughts, have been this lost, this confused, this hurt, this depressed.'
Oddly as she was talking it reminded me of this quote I LOVE! So I started smiling, and she stopped and asked why I was smiling?
She said, that is a great analogy. She told me to do something that was going to remind me of this everyday. I did a minorly childish thing, I drew a small anchor on the inside of my forearm. I pictured it there but today I actually just drew it. It's awful, lol...I'm no artist, but it's fun to look at.
I also told her how, I haven't been sure how to pray lately. I was so confidant when praying during our IUI convinced this was the path that God was leading us down. That everything God was doing and showing me was telling me that this would work. Then when it didn't, I started telling God, I can't talk to you right now, because I'm mad. I love you but I'm mad. I did that for awhile. A few weeks at least. Now that I've gone back to reading my devotionals and reading my bible again, my prayers are more..."Hey God...so...I mean...what's up? Do you still want me to pursue an IUI with donor sperm? Just confused, it didn't work last time...so...I mean...yeah, can I have a sign maybe? Please? That this is the way to take? Thanks...talk to sooner or maybe later..okay bye...amen"
She reminded that it is okay to go with God confidence and say what it is we need.
Pray, "God, I need a clear sign for my life. Show me, tell me if we should pursue IUI with donor sperm. Amen."
Go to God with boldness.
Luke 11:8-9 "I tell you, if friendship is not enough to make him get up to give you the bread, your boldness will make him get up and give you whatever you need. So I tell you, ask, and God will give to you. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will open for you." (I haven't found what version this particular wording is in...haven't found it with the line in red, but I liked it none the less.)
I'll be saying bold prayers for all of us, for a long time to come.