Sunday, October 25, 2015

My 2 Things

Two things I am posting about today:: The first is about this adorable list I found on Buzzfeed. Naturally it caught my attention as we are still working towards going on a cruise. The list is entitled 'Here's How Traveling Can Actually Help You Win At Life'.

It's a cute little list about a couple and their two cats who decided to live in 1 city for exactly 1 year before packing up and moving on to the next adventure. There were just a few cons, but unexpectedly, I saw this...

"Point is, family can mean many things, and different things to different people. Be open to whatever definition of family comes your way."

Just reminded me of my little family two. Just because there are two of us, doesn't mean that we are any less of a family. To celebrate my family of two in this season of waiting, I've decided to get our pictures taken, for Christmas mostly, but we're definitely getting them taken. 

The second thing that I wanted to share, or rather just spill my thoughts on were, I had a conversation with a girl at work who I assumed had accidentally become pregnant before marriage. While, I still don't quite get why people who aren't married decide to try and have kids, they were a couple who had be living together for awhile. So, of course, now that she's married (to the man of her son) I assumed that the second kid came to them just as naturally. 

Well...I did what my pastor has told us not to do. I filled in her blanks. I assumed I knew what her life story was about. What in fact was this girls truth was that she in fact has endometrosis. And this 'second baby' is actually her 6th baby.  

Hearing her story really encouraged me. After walking away from our conversation. I got goosebumps. I once heard them called Holy Ghostbumps. I felt as if that was my message from God saying "Have courage. Have faith. Have confidence."

Today while we racked leaves and spent time with a family of three at an orchard. I just kept praising God for the good things about this perfect fall day. 


Thursday, October 22, 2015

Today's a better day

Today is a much better day. A little more in control of my emotions...just a little. Mr T...not quite the oldest cat, but at 18...he's only 8 years shy of the Guinness world record, So a little less than a decade, but pretty close.

He rebounded. He's more steady on his feet today. Still VERY noisy. Eating again, not drinking as much. I've decided for now to stop giving him his arthritis medicine to see if that helps. I think it might have been to much on his small frame of barely 6lbs. He's a handsome old man. And I love him.

My friend, still hasn't had that baby yet! Waiting on word to find out if it's a boy or girl...I just pray that health wise everything is going very well and that no complications creep up. At this point it's been over 24hrs...

Usually before I post I end up reading the blog posts that catch my eye. Today's was "I Was Afraid You Wouldn't Understand Grieving Lost Embryos" from Waiting for Baby Bird. This woman of Christ has such a beautiful way with words. It's hard NOT to read her posts...even if I don't quite have the time to linger behind a computer screen. Her words are captivating and bring hope to a devastating journey.

Today's post was about losing 10 embryos. How she will mostly giving out a practiced answer when asked "So how many kids do you have?"
While I may have not had an embryo inside of me after our IUI, the opportunity was still as real to me as if I might have had one. It sounds corny/weird to say but it's true. I needed to grieve the loss. I'm mostly better. REALLY READY for the next go, but the timing and the financial aspect will again be on the Lord's timing.

Elisha did a guest post over at Recombie, the last line of her story really struck a cord with me. I believe God will give us babies. Whether from my womb or not, but I do believe they are out there. Waiting to come to us, and she couldn't have phrased it better I think.

"I believe God is not finished writing my story. I have hope He is not finished in His pursuit to fulfill the desires placed in my heart. And I cannot help but dream of the day I am rocking a baby in my arms…"

Lastly, there is an amazing buzzfeed list on Infertility Explained by 33 Cat could I not share this??


Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Yesterday was rough

Yesterday was a rough day. Although it was our dating anniversary, it wasn't much of a celebration. The day started out fine but a very good friend of mine also went into labor. While I desperately cling to one of the last reminders of our solitude I also wanted to be there for my friend. Although, living a few states away, there wasn't much I could do.
Other than send the biggest thing which is send prayers but also send encouraging text messages...although...I don't know how helpful they were.

The point of the story was, as happy as I am for them...still anxiously awaiting to see if it's pink or blue...I was having a tough time with it yesterday.

There was 1 thing I was certain of yesterday though.

Taking Plunder from the Devil. As Charlotte Gimble said in her sermon about having realizing her 7th round of medicine didn't bring her any closer to having a baby she still went on to preach that night about taking plunder from the devil. I knew I needed to be happy yesterday. That I wasn't going to let sadness and anger and whatever else I might be feeling take over my emotions. I concentrated on one task at time. I made a great healthy lunch. I made a delicious crock pot meal for C & I for dinner to celebrate our official dating anniversary. I wasn't going to give into chocolate or sugar cravings.

What I might not have mentioned was that I have...well I've talked about how much I just LOVE to eat. After being diagnosed with PCOS I was able to take a bit of weight off and got to the healthiest I had ever been in my life. I've back slid quite a bit over the last few months or so. I really want to get back on track. I don't want to the devil to pursade me that food is my comfort when God is and should be my comfort. I did a TON of praying yesterday. I also distracted myself with cooking, and listening to music, and watching some shows that I knew wouldn't remind me of what I so desperately seek from the Lord.

I made a conscious decision to Rejoice with those who were rejoicing yesterday. Be thankful for their little miracle.

And boy did it get even more tough after I got home last night. My beautiful, handsome cat, whom I've had since I was about 9 years old. Has started the stages of passing away. He's not doing well. Not eating much. But drinking a ton of water. Seems incredibly disorientated. 
It was only a matter of time. He is 18 after all. But after finding blood in his vomit last night, I'm not sure how much longer he'll be here with me on this earth. I cried. Boy did I cry. 

But I didn't give into the food. 

Prayed all night, that if the Lord was going to take to please take him fast and with little pain as possible. The only thing I was certain of yesterday, was even though I was sad my God was a big God. I'm taken care of and loved by him.

I had to put a cat down 2 years ago. I'm not looking to repeat that experience again anytime soon. That is one of the WORST feelings in the entire world. Knowing Mr. T I know that he would want to die at home. But with dignity. And with love. 

He seemed better this morning when I woke, but I am unsure how the rest of his day has been. I had to come into work today. Hoping to leave early. 

Yesterday was rough.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

I've been gone to long

There hasn't been much to write about lately. Probably why I haven't posted.

A few things have happened though this last week. C & I won a cruise! A 7 day cruise to the Caribbean! Excited about it but then I learned about having to pay the deposit. If we want to upgrade to a balcony it's a $500 dollars down.

If I had $500 I wouldn't be going on a silly cruise. I'd be trying to buy my infertility medication. It's not that I'm ungrateful for this amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity, but where will we find the money for this? We need this vacation. I haven't had any convictions about not taking it, but definitely about how to pay for it and when we should go.

We were orginally thinking over our anniversary, that way we could avoid any future IUI's we might do. We were hoping to accomplish 1 cycle in May. But if we're paying for a cruise...who knows...

Hard to plan these things I guess.

I read this article over at In Due Time--My War Room...I'm going to need to create one of these for sure.

My prayer life has been lacking quite a bit. I need to get back at it. It's been hard though as I've recently thought about switching churches. That's a whole other story for a different day.

I know misery loves company, so I am going to end this post on a positive note. I have officially passed the $200 dollar marker for our next IUI savings! If you include the money we are going to put back after we sell one of our vehicles (provided we can get it fixed soon) we have over $700!

As for the cruise...well...I have $3 in that jar. LOL!


Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Weather the storm through visualizations

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately. I have been dealing with quite a bit of anger/frustration and quite honestly bitterness with out journey these past two weeks.

Could it be the 700 Facebook announcements of people adding to their already growing families? Or the fact that I've been sticking to a healthier diet and sugar has been missing from my diet? Which isn't bad...just goes to show that it really does have a drug like effect, detoxing?
Either's been a rough week.

It could be that we pushed back our timeline for our next IUI. We're thinking May 2016. Very discouraging having to wait longer, but C spoke life into the situation, saying next year, with things paid off, if the 2nd round doesn't work, then we'll be able to try again right away next year. Shorten the wait time. That helped to hear.

On another note, I so desperately want to be there for my friends who are going through this joyous season of their lives, but it's a delicate balance of joy for them and protection for myself. But I know myself enough, have been on this journey long enough, that I know when to say "hey this week is bad, can we talk about your joy next week?" Always making sure to check in with them. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how cool with it they all are. This journey is hard enough, but having uneasy footing with your friends is just another knife in the heart.

One thing that I have started doing though is just imaging whatever it is that I am feeling, stressing about, frustrated with, feel no control over--I imagine that the issue is the size of my palm. Then I lift it up to God. My struggle that I am battling, I hand it all over to Him. It helps. It helps in the moment. I do struggle with letting it completely go, so sometimes I have to hand it to Him again, but it helps me every time.

 On another note I did start reading "The Longest Ride". It's helped. I'm only a 3rd of the way through the book, but at least I know what to expect form the story. I almost started crying when I finally got to read the part of Ira's story where he told Ruth, that he couldn't have children. But knowing how it ends, I can't wait to unfold the book (it's on my nook, but you get my drift.) to see how the characters face their circumstances. How Ira and Ruth continue to love and choose to love each other, with God's help.

Total Savings: $193.41 (not including the car money--once it gets fixed and sold)
New IUI Timeline: May 2016

Thursday, October 1, 2015

How Jared Padaleckis "Always Keep Fighting Campagin Helped my Infertility Struggle"

It was a whirlwind of a morning. I was with my dog this morning, otherwise known as Ms. B, when I tapped on the breaks and she went FLYING off of the bench seat in the back of my car. Okay, she didn't FLY so much as ROLL, but the sound she made after landing on the floor, had my heart in my throat and tears in my eyes. I immediately took her up to the vet, where after exaiming her said that she was perfectly fine and after an xray, she has some arthritis starting. Which is normal for a dog her age. After a $176 bill and some NSAID doggie medication, we were off. The couches are barred with coffee tables and a baby gate, as to encourage her to stay on the floor.

Luckily she sleeps A LOT so I don't have to worry about whether she'll be bopping up and down around the house a ton.

Ugh...I have a very good friend who told me to name 10 positive things today. To help bring me out of my post fake heart attack funk. While some days this is easier then others, it worked. I only named about 8 in total but still it did lift me just a little bit.

1. My brother (whose currently deployed) got his birthday package today. He'll have to wait to open it but he did get the package on time!
2. My dog is not dead. (This sounds morbib but I promise it's just my personality. That probably didn't sound any better. When I say my dog is not dead what it translate to in normal people lanuage is "I'm glad she is healthy.")
3. The weather is beautiful
4. I have good friends
5. My in-laws are moving out today! I will have my house back to myself this weekend. more night and THEN they'll be gone. Okay, not gone...just at their own place. With their animals. Not at my house. Where I will now be able to walk around in my underwear again, and not have to worry about putting clothes back on as soon as I get out of the shower to run back to my bedroom. (I could probably name 10 positive things about them moving out...but I won't. They're good people. It's just SO HARD to live with others, sometimes.)
6.  I have running water (Sometimes I have to take it down to basics when it comes to counting my blessings, because sometimes I don't remember just how good I have it.)
7. I have a house. That we own.
8. The internet, Where I can watch hysterical videos such as this one. It's probably my favorite.

I don't know if it's the reduction in carbs or watching my sugars which might also have me down but I just can not shake this heavy grey cloud. The list helped. My friend wanted 10 total but I can probably name 2 more by the end of the day.
The day is still young. After all it's only 6pm.

I have been thinking about depression itself though. Jared Padalecki from Supernatural has a campagin called Always Keep Fighting.  He's released a few shirts to help support causes such as "To Write Love on Her Arms"  which is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people who are struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. An amazing orgnanization.

I have never known depression like I have as an adult. I have always struggled with anxiety, and some depression as a child...but as an adult...I just guess I feel it more intensly? I don't know,

Although, I probably have somewhat of a mild case...I started seeing a therapist last year who diagnosed me as "Adjsutment Disorder with Depressed Mood" is a short-term form of depression that can occur in the aftermath of various traumatic changes in your normal life, including divorce, retirement, loss of a job and the death of a relative or close friend.

Two years ago it was bad. I had mood swings and cried all the time. I was starting to come out of it last year as I was more focused on living life and running and figuring out what next steps C & I were going to take for our fertiltiy journey, but it has just returned with force these last few weeks. I'm doing what I can to take care of myself. Sending time in prayer has helped. Immensly. 
Reading blog posts. And then quotes like these....from Jared Padalecki himself. 

And then opening up about his own struggle on E! News.  I even purchased the shirt from the second launch. 

I love this shirt. It REALLY reminds me to stay in the light and remember what is good. To take care of myself. Taking care of myself helps with my anxiety. Everyday. 

There's this quote...although in this particular pin it's on a few Walking Dead pictures, it was a Supernatural Quote. Either way...both shows are great and the quote applies!

I remind myself of this when I think "It might just be, just us two." That we are a family. I get to take care of the family I do have. I have AMAZING friends, now...but I'll post about this in a different post. I do have a great family. 

Reminders like these always help me Keep Fighting.

Fight on!