Monday, November 23, 2015

Surviving Thanksgiving Part 1

Savings is up over $250 now. In cold hard cash.

Still battling quite a bit of stress. I'm suppose to be taking it one day at a time...I don't like that so much. It's not fun.

Here is a compalation of things I wanted to post about today...

This blog post by Elisha over at Waiting for Baby Bird, entitled "It's Okay to Not Be Okay this Thanksgiving" she has such a way with words.

"So give yourself the gift of grace.  Because you are not a horrible person.  You are a normal human being with normal emotions after experiencing loss and constant disappointment and heartache.   Even the most perfect person has occasional trouble seeing the joy through the pain.  So, sweet friend, don’t beat yourself up or kick yourself down.  Just do the best you can and try to remember through the holiday season that it won’t always be this hard, or this overwhelming, or this stressful.  Because just like the women in the articles wrote, night always turns to dawn.  Seasons always change.  And the valley you are in today might be the one you are looking down on tomorrow.  But until that time comes, just know that it’s okay to not always be okay…"

the second thing was that my friend, today, told me that I had a servants heart. Honestly, I think I struggled with knowing what my special talent was from God.As soon as I heard it though, or rather read it in this case, I thought. How sweet! Huh, that makes sense I guess.

I will post more about this, later this week.

And the last one...this handy dandy guide to the Holiday. You know, the one MOST OF US aren't looking forward too..the list is from buzzfeed.17 Essential Charts to Help you Survive the Holidays. These ones were my favorite...


Friday, November 20, 2015

The Long Struggle- Delicious Ambiguity

Lately I feel like I've been inundated with stories of people whose seasons of waiting lasted over a decade. I belong to a PCOS support group on Facebook. A status the other day written by one particular woman who had been trying for 12 years finally delivered a happy, healthy, baby boy. Wow.

Part of me feels like I have that kind of fight in me, but the other part of me, doesn't have the emotional capacity to fight that battle right now. Mostly because we technically aren't trying and because I am currently dealing with the stress that has invaded itself into my household.

While I struggle with not being a martyr, I am finding it difficult to stand my ground as well. I've never wanted to be a bad guy. Or rather I should say, I don't WANT to be the bad guy. Ever.

I read a great post by Caroline over at In Due Time about how her hubby, while the most amazing man on the planet, just doesn't understand this journey. I see what my husband doesn't see about the current stressful situation we're in.  My hubby doesn't understand why I want our house back to just us. We've been through a lot this year. Our first IUI round, Big Fat Negative, and house guests for 3 whole months? Now only to be living with another person? A person that I do not trust? That's tough! I don't see the person my husband saw growing up. I only see the person who puts their family through pain.

I digress...I am trying to resolve to pray about it more then I complain about it.

The second reason is while no one ever really 'stops trying' (until you decide you are not trying), we aren't technically trying because we're not in the middle of a cycle. I do like to think we are waiting on a miracle from God. Believing our miracle would come in the form of donor sperm, we would like to actively pursue that again. We wait on God and we wait on our finances.

A very good friend showed this too me today, a very good video!

Stylish Lisa 'She Waited 10 Years for a Baby'

If I go back to my earlier season of waiting could almost be over...or rather, I'm just in the middle of it. And that at least is a happy thought.


Thursday, November 19, 2015

I pretty much hate Thanksgiving

You can consider me the Chandler of Thanksgiving.

I hated it as a kid for a multitude of reasons, which I won't get into, however...the two reasons I will explain, is because 1. I thought people should be Thankful ALL YEAR long vs just 1 day.
And 2. It also just never made sense to me because we basically took a country and now feast till our hearts are content.

That's a bit bleak though isn't it? As I grew older though, I began to ACTUALLY be thankful for those around me, the blessings I had. While I do my best everyday to thank God for those blessings in my life, it's nice to celebrate it as well. My favorite thing to do on Thanksgiving is before the madness starts. I like to watch all 10 F.r.i.e.n.d.s Thanksgiving episodes the night before, then in the morning I like to wake up and drink coffee and watch the Macy's Day parade while eating a GIANT hearty breakfast.

It's time for myself. Time that I gift to myself before I have to watch my husband play with his nieces and nephews. It's time I give myself to enjoy. To not wonder what life would be like if... To not think. To just sit and be in my pajamas, in the quietness of the town.

Unfortunately I'm not getting that this year. 1 of two reasons. The first being there's family drama on both sides of the family.

On my side, my parents decided they're tired of hosting 2nd Thanksgiving. "We get stuck with leftovers, and everyone is exhausted by the time they come here." So they want to host a dessert buffet instead. Sounds good, but one of my siblings and I have decided we are going to surprise our dad with Thanksgiving breakfast. We're going to cook breakfast, watch the parade, and drink coffee.
Hell I might even wear my pajamas. It sounds all well and good but will make for a long day between breakfast driving to my in laws for lunch then back to my parents for dessert.
It's somewhat easier at my folks house, as there are no kids on that side of the family...yet. Give it time though, the sister in law has already announced she's 'Pulling out my birthday control the minute your brother gets back stateside.'

And on my in laws side, some of it is self explanitory. 2 of the 4 siblings have kids. 2 a piece. They are wonderful nieces and nephews. We love them dearly. The 3rd of the 4 siblings are currently trying to conceive. How joyous. Then there's us. Playing the infertility game since 2011. Yep.

The 2nd not so obvious reason is the major drama I have avoided talking about. Out of respect for C, I still won't. I know my blog is anonymous. But it still doesn't seem right to air the dirty laundry. I do ask for prayers though. Knowing that in the end, some good will come of this.

1 good thing is that I have been doing a better job of communicating my feelings. Instead of keeping them bottled up. So far my feelings have been acknowledged and not shot down. Which is also a victory. This is making us stronger as a couple.

For now, I am thinking I might suddnely have a flat tire and not be able to make it out to my inlaws on Thanksgiving, but we'll day at a time right?

Until then...Wine.

Also, if you need something MORE to help you get through the next two months, check out this AWESOME list over at Stirrup Queens. I love-love-love her note that I might actually just keep in my pocket.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Thank you for the prayers

C had the ultrasound on his thyroid on Monday. It did concern us when they asked us to come for a second look, but tried not to worry to much.

The radiologist A-Okayed him though. Thank you for the prayers, made for a much better week for us.

The stress that consumed me last week, is still very up and down. We have no definite answers to our situation, and while I struggle to want to tell my side of the entire story, just know that I complained about it, WAY more than I prayed about it.

Last night, in an angry rage, I prayed out loud in my vehicle as I was driving home from work. It was a colorful prayer ;) full of descriptive language.

I've been reading The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life by James Martin, SJ

It's a very fun read. I'll admit, I'm not catholic and I don't think I have quite the degree of language as James Martin does, but I can understand enough to get through it. The tag line on the back of the book is "St. Ignatius Loyola, founder of the Jesuit Order, was known for his practical spirituality. Now, Father James Martin translates Ignatius's insights for a modern audience, revealing how we can find God in our everyday lives in often surprising ways."

He is a very funny writer who lived life before devoting his life to God. He talks of how he smoked pot, and cursed while he prayed once.

Which led me to my prayer last night. The chapter where Father James talks about dropping the F bomb on Jesus is about being honest. You are encouraged to think of God like a friend, someone you have a relationship with.

"Being honest with God means sharing everything with God, not just the things that you think are appropriate for prayer, and not simply your gratitude and praise. Honesty means sharing things you might consider inappropriate for conversation with God." 

I was honest with God last night. I just simply spoke the anger that was on my heart and finally turned the situation over to him, pleading that I was too livid to deal with it. I was to wrought with frustration that I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it appropriately. 

It helped. It got it off of my chest and heart. Be honest with God in your prayer life. 

Last night during my prayer, after explaining away my distrust for this particular individual, I said "I should be praying for this stuff Lord, and I do. I pray for Paris, I pray for our armed forces. I pray for a colleague who is sick. A friend's dad fighting cancer. I pray for those people as well.
And Jesus, I also pray for the baby thing. Lord,remember the baby thing?"

'Yeah the baby thing.'
He knows whats on my heart. But like a friend, he simply likes to hear me say it sometimes.

Alright, I gotta get outta here. A small snow is suppose to blow through but I want to the grocery shopping done before then.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

One Day at a Time

For reasons I won't explain entirely, I had a panic attack yesterday. I'm pretty prone to anxiety. Whether that's from the PCOS or from environmental factors, I don't know. Either way, I started to just believe every lie that my brain was telling itself. I didn't quite feel the room spin, but it was pretty darn close.

I had to take a step back, tell C I needed some water and just remove myself from the room.

No, we weren't fighting. But I was internalizing a situation that was causing me to just lie to myself and think all the bad thoughts.

 And I kept circling back to 'the only reason this particular thing is happening is because we're the only couple without kids. So it's our responsibility.'

If I had it my way though, we wouldn't be in this season of waiting. We'd have at least 2 kids by now, possibly staring down the idea of a 3rd.

I started to think, 'If I had married differently then...'

Which gets everyone no where, because my husband is my best friend. My best friend.

Not kidding. I can tell him anything and everything under the sun. He accepts me and loves me just as Jesus accepts me and loves me. Unconditionally. Without a doubt. No questions asked.

Since this particular situation presented it self last week, we agreed to just take it one day at a time. I've had to remind myself almost every hour that God is in control. I can not control this. I, for the first time, am able to set aside a chunk of how I feel and how I want it work out, and just let God be in the drivers seat. It's been somewhat of a grueling week. I like to plan. I like to have things mapped out. But telling God, 'one day at time. This is yours. I don't know what the future holds. I don't even know what the night might bring, but I know that you will work this out for my good.' has really helped.

Just like I know that I have to put my season of waiting in Gods hands. Rely fully on him. The last few years of waiting have not been easy. I strive to look forward to the good. Remembering that Joy Comes in the morning.

I will have more updates in the following weeks, as we plan our cruise, talk more about ending the suffering my wonderful Mr. T has been experiencing, as well as spiritually gear up for the approaching Holiday season, I will be back more often I imagine.

Until then I am asking for prayers for C for his upcoming doctors appointment. After everything we've endured this last week, it's hard not to place our minds in the worst place. One day at time for the next week. We can do this.


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

It Is Well

I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile. There hasn't been much to report. My friend finally did have her baby after 51 hours. Wow! Impressive.

It was hard but I was happy. Another friend also had her babies as well. I had decided when she asked me how I was doing I would say,

"It is well." I keep thinking It is well with in my soul. It's from 2nd Kings Chapter 4. There was a Shunammite woman who would often prepare her house for a Elisha the traveling prophet, anytime he passed by her house. He stopped so often that she even set about putting a room together just for him with a bed and a lamp. When he asked her if there was anything he could do for her she replied with "I have a home among my people." Almost as if to say, she didn't need anything. The story speaks to me on many levels, but if you are not familiar with this story, then the point I would like to highlight is that the woman had no children.

When Elisha asked his servant what could be done for the woman for showing such hospitality yet she would take nothing, the servant responded that she has no son and her husband was very old. While I do not know if she had daughters, the bible doesn't specifically say one way or the other. To my knowledge, but I'm still learning. When Elisha called her back he said "This time next year, you will hold a son in your arms."

She was surprised but yet from her next sentence we know she's really telling him "don't get my hopes up" as she said basically "Please don't tell me this if it's not true."

2 Kings 4:17 tells of her becoming pregnant and giving birth to a son at the time that Elisha had said she would.

Sometime later as the boy is growing he complains to his father that he has a headache. After going back to the house, and lying in his mothers arms the boy dies. She tells her husband to snag one of his servants and set her up to go see the prophet Elisha. He questions her why this time of year, she simply says "that it's fine". It doesn't matter. I can go see him whenever I want. There's no time limit on God or his prophets. 

As she was coming closer to where the prophet Elisha was staying, he saw her carriage approaching and he sent a servant out to greet them. (You know, these people have a lot of servants. I used to think it would be cool once to have servants...but really who has time for servants?) When Elisha's servant approaches the carriage he too begins to question her "Is Everything alright? Is someone sick?"

She replies (KJV) 2nd Kings 4:26 "It Is Well."

This woman knew that Elisha could preform miracles. And as surely as the God who had brought her this child when she was least expecting it, she knew he would bless her again. She didn't complain to the messenger or try to explain but she was going straight to the guy in charge to help her.

Verse 28 when she finally approaches Elisha she says "Did I ask you for a son my Lord? Didn't I tell you not to get my hopes up?"

She told Elisha, that she would not leave his side until he came back with her. Almost as if clinging to God when she needed it most. God, I will not try to use your tools to fix my distress. I will be with you every step of the way until you come back to what I need you for. Knowing, trusting, believing.

I'm not sure where you are in your infertility journey. My heart breaks that you have to walk this journey. In some ways I feel as if I've just begun my journey and in other ways I know that after almost 5 years of waiting, I'm tired.

I'm tired and sad. I still went to go see those babies. I still was very happy for them. I rejoiced when they needed me to rejoice, but then I took that moment in the bathroom on Monday night and cried. There was no one around expect God.

I believe that It Is Well. That my season of waiting is almost over. I can feel it in my soul. But whether it's another year or another two years has yet to be determined. I will do my best to stick by God until he comes back around to my heartbreak. I know that God can fix this. He will fix this. I have to learn to wait with him and not just on him.

The woman, who was never named, to my knowledge. Elisha brought her son back to her. The boy lived.

Isn't our God amazing?

Waiting is hard. Waiting with God we can take comfort in knowing that "It Is Well."