I had to take a step back, tell C I needed some water and just remove myself from the room.
No, we weren't fighting. But I was internalizing a situation that was causing me to just lie to myself and think all the bad thoughts.
And I kept circling back to 'the only reason this particular thing is happening is because we're the only couple without kids. So it's our responsibility.'
If I had it my way though, we wouldn't be in this season of waiting. We'd have at least 2 kids by now, possibly staring down the idea of a 3rd.
I started to think, 'If I had married differently then...'
Which gets everyone no where, because my husband is my best friend. My best friend.
Not kidding. I can tell him anything and everything under the sun. He accepts me and loves me just as Jesus accepts me and loves me. Unconditionally. Without a doubt. No questions asked.
Since this particular situation presented it self last week, we agreed to just take it one day at a time. I've had to remind myself almost every hour that God is in control. I can not control this. I, for the first time, am able to set aside a chunk of how I feel and how I want it work out, and just let God be in the drivers seat. It's been somewhat of a grueling week. I like to plan. I like to have things mapped out. But telling God, 'one day at time. This is yours. I don't know what the future holds. I don't even know what the night might bring, but I know that you will work this out for my good.' has really helped.
Just like I know that I have to put my season of waiting in Gods hands. Rely fully on him. The last few years of waiting have not been easy. I strive to look forward to the good. Remembering that Joy Comes in the morning.
I will have more updates in the following weeks, as we plan our cruise, talk more about ending the suffering my wonderful Mr. T has been experiencing, as well as spiritually gear up for the approaching Holiday season, I will be back more often I imagine.
Until then I am asking for prayers for C for his upcoming doctors appointment. After everything we've endured this last week, it's hard not to place our minds in the worst place. One day at time for the next week. We can do this.