Friday, November 20, 2015

The Long Struggle- Delicious Ambiguity

Lately I feel like I've been inundated with stories of people whose seasons of waiting lasted over a decade. I belong to a PCOS support group on Facebook. A status the other day written by one particular woman who had been trying for 12 years finally delivered a happy, healthy, baby boy. Wow.

Part of me feels like I have that kind of fight in me, but the other part of me, doesn't have the emotional capacity to fight that battle right now. Mostly because we technically aren't trying and because I am currently dealing with the stress that has invaded itself into my household.

While I struggle with not being a martyr, I am finding it difficult to stand my ground as well. I've never wanted to be a bad guy. Or rather I should say, I don't WANT to be the bad guy. Ever.

I read a great post by Caroline over at In Due Time about how her hubby, while the most amazing man on the planet, just doesn't understand this journey. I see what my husband doesn't see about the current stressful situation we're in.  My hubby doesn't understand why I want our house back to just us. We've been through a lot this year. Our first IUI round, Big Fat Negative, and house guests for 3 whole months? Now only to be living with another person? A person that I do not trust? That's tough! I don't see the person my husband saw growing up. I only see the person who puts their family through pain.

I digress...I am trying to resolve to pray about it more then I complain about it.

The second reason is while no one ever really 'stops trying' (until you decide you are not trying), we aren't technically trying because we're not in the middle of a cycle. I do like to think we are waiting on a miracle from God. Believing our miracle would come in the form of donor sperm, we would like to actively pursue that again. We wait on God and we wait on our finances.

A very good friend showed this too me today, a very good video!

Stylish Lisa 'She Waited 10 Years for a Baby'

If I go back to my earlier season of waiting could almost be over...or rather, I'm just in the middle of it. And that at least is a happy thought.


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