Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Back to Zoloft

The lexapro was like taking 2 steps back. I was irrediatable, my thoughts kept racing, I wanted to cry all the time. It was awful.

I'm a about 2 weeks into the zoloft again and so far no wonky cycles. We'll see how it goes from here.

Little by little I get better each day. Stronger each day.

Trying to move past the pain of infertiltiy is so slow. Right now I have these weird triggers. When people talk about parenting. I just automatically have to change the subject.

It's funny because I remember what it was like when I could barely even hold an infant without wanting to run and hide. Now If I see a baby I want to hold them and love them and just spend time with them. Of course as soon as baby starts crying, I'm ready to give them back, lol!

So I don't know what it is about this whole 'this is how I'm raising my kids', 'as a family we're excited to see them grow', 'starting summer school/vacation bible school, had to go shopping for supplies'.
Just gets me right in the center of my chest.

It's not to say that I don't have something to add to my nephew's and nieces lives. Just yesterday my brother told me that C & I gave them some good marriage adivce when they moved into together.
That filled my heart to know that someone was taking value in what I said.

Struggling a little with C as well. We just can't seem to get on the same page. Could be my depression. Could be we just REALLY need  a tune up or a vacation but in general I've been riding the struggle bus again.

Just been a few of those weeks again. Prayers would be appreciated. Prayers that I use the peace that God has given me.
Trust me, it's not all bad. It's been worse. So it's not totally and compeltely awful. I've had quite a few good laughs lately. A few good runs. I'm continuing to stay dedicated to finding a new church home. Life is okay.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. I hope and pray that you are having a good day.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

A blessing story

I wanted to share this story of encouragement I heard the other day. It is faith based. But it brought goosebumps to me.

It was an exchange between myself and friend the other day.

She was talking about how while she did struggle to conceive her first child, the second came naturally. She said 'I do what every woman does, every day. I got pregnant and had a baby. You're story will bless so many people. Whether it comes from you or another woman's womb, when you get your child it will bless so many people around you.'

Holding on to that will carry me through the next week or so.

Wherever you are, whatever your story, just know that somewhere your struggle is helping others. Hold onto hope.


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

About a week into lexapro

I did the thing you're not supposed to do. I took two full days off of zoloft. Which isn't smart and no doctor recommends that but I think my body needed it. I am not advocating for this, so don't follow me, I'm just telling you what I have done.

The first day off of it was a bit of a downer. It might have been a placebo effect or maybe it really did work it's way out of my system but the first day off of it I was tired and gloomy. The second day I felt fine! By day 3 I was ready to start the Lexapro.

I can't say that I feel any different. I have been a bit irritable though...so we'll see where that leads.

Hopefully it will be ease over in the next week or so.

I guess I thought I had more to share today, but I guess not. LOL.

Don't worry, it's not all bad. Today is a down day at work, going to get caught up on blogging, Netflixing, and maybe some readying...lol, clearly, it's a slow day.


Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Zoloft Chronicles Part 2

I'm going to have to amend this to the Lexapro Chronicles part 1. LOL

I had my doctors appointment today. The Zoloft over all was working. I am way this irritable, less tearful, more happy in general which is good!

Mother's Day sucked. I took one xanax when we went out to dinner with the in laws. Now that the youngest sibling is expecting each of the mothers were able to say happy mothers day to each other.

I excused myself and made a mad dash to the bathroom. I took a few shaky breaths in the stall as I collected myself. I used tap water to take the xanax. It took the, I guess to say, heart attack feeling away. It made my head a lot less spinny. I still felt the overwhelming sadness but I as able to compose myself for the rest of the night.

I only took one. I'm on a very low dose. And boy did I sleep well. I was so relaxed when I got home. Uh! It was nice.

Overall I'm doing better. I was at a wedding of a close friend on Friday. A mutual friend of ours brought their 3 month old.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to hold all the babies in the world to fill up that little place in my heart that is so achingly empty. It worked a little bit. Just being able to hold the baby and give it kisses and twirl his tiny little hand in mine. It was nice. I didn't even hate handing him back.

Ugh, I did just end a two week period...which also was two weeks late. It could be related to the Zoloft but my doctor wasn't totally convinced, that's one of the main reasons for the switch to lexapro. Having a wonky period is a bit counterproductive to my stress & low serotonin levels. I have had 1 whole successful year of periods though! I would like to celebrate but with my uterus on the revolt for some reason I'm keeping the party small.

I live to fight another day though.

Overall I've been able to let go of the money portion of our journey again. The money will be there when it needs to be there. I'm tired of stressing about it. Wondering where it's going to come from. Right now, I can't see beyond next May. (I am kicking around the idea of running a marathon. It will be my first if I commit to it. That's a different post for a different day. The marathon is when the race is)

The end of next year which is feasibly when we'd be able to do an IUI session seems ages and ages away. We talked about getting a loan...but we'll see.
We're communicating well as a couple, financially right now. There's another blessing. Having the same goals in mind helps.

Also no longer treading the waters of the depression is helping somewhat too.

For now, we'll see how the lexapro works and go from there. Baby dust to all,


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Zoloft Chronicles Part 1

Yeah I'm definittley a terrible infertility blogger. LOL, I keep promising to check in and write more and talk about stuff. It's been well over a month since I last posted.

I've officially been on the zoloft for about that long. It's different. I tried the 50mg but I felt panicky and weird so I took myself down to 25mg (I recommend you talk to your doctor before changing your dose.) I did it because it was going to be a week before I saw my doctor and it did not make me feel good. I didn't want to put up with feeling on the verge of a panic attack for another week.

My doctor okayed me to stay on the 25mg, but also gave me some xanax just in case I do have a panic attack. It's only to be taken when I start to have one.

Which honestly, I know my triggers. I know how to handle most of them, so I doubt I'll ever use it. But I suppose it's just nice enough to know that I have some on hand in case it gets too bad.

I am feeling more like myself these days. Last time I was severly depressed it took almost a year to put myself back together emotionally. This time, I cut through about half the bullcrap. I am not treading the water anymore just to feel better. I actually feel better. Part of me is afraid it's false. That it's all the medicine...but I am actually brave enough to take steps to take care of myself now. Doing what I need to do to protect my heart in difficult situations.

It's helped me feel other things besides sadness and anger, but at the same time I'm also hyperaware of everything right now.

The doctor said it takes a full 8 weeks for it get in your system and level out, so I might still be adjusting.

We'll see I'll give it more time. One day at a time. One step at a time.

I think feeling better has given more energy, which is great, but now I need to not have as much caffiene. I feel weird if I have too much caffiene now.

I also realized this morning, while my feet were pounding away on the treadmill that I might not know what to do with myself now that I am no longer carrying a heavy burden on my back any longer. I'll need to find some where to put the energy that has just been restored to me.

It's weird because I can look at a facebook status about pregnancy and babies and feel nothing. Yet on my way to a in laws Gender Reveal I'm undone.
Why does this happen to us?

It's all a balancing act. For now, I am off to work. Hope you all are well.


Sunday, March 13, 2016

Let the games begin

I officially started the zoloft today. We'll see how this goes. For now I wanted to share with you this great buzzfeed list on depression.

16 Things No One Tells you about taking Antidepressants 

Here's to hoping things work out, for the better.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

March Struggle Bus Post

Goodness the last time I posted was almost a month ago...

I've been trying to figure out what to write. I kept asking myself, though, what would I post since we we have officially decided not to seek treatment until next year?

A blog about infertility but yet I won't directly be addressing any fertility related treatments?

There are blogs out there that do that very well. I guess I was feeling dwarfed in comparison.

In my last post I addresses that I would be talking more about the emotional aspects of this journey.

Holy man is there a lot to say. For the better part of last month I was snippy and rude and down right just not fun to be around. I've been seeing a therapist for the better part of a year now, since before our first IUI, and two weeks ago I told her I was not motivated to feel better.

I've been there. I've done that. Bought the t-shirt. How incredibly tough that was. Rebuilding myself. Not nearly as tough as other phases in life but still tough getting out of that spot. It was during training for my half marathon that I was able to pull myself out of the pit of despair. I remember during that time frame, TMI--I was taking a shower, (The bathroom, where all the good thinking happens) and I just thought to myself how I felt emotionally more close to center.

I'm back at the start again of rebuilding. I know the work ahead but I just can't get motivated to do it.

I feel defeated that I don't have the motivation. After speaking with my therapist she recommened it was time to try zoloft. I've been sitting with this idea for two weeks now. Trying to decide what's best.

Praying, asking God, is this the next step? Do you want me to take this medication?
Don't get me wrong! For those who need it, it is a great idea! Is it right for me though? Is this too drastic of a measure for me? Or do I really need it?

It's a big committment right now. It's at least a year long process. Right now a year seems like a lot. Although I could think in less general terms. My family doc would like to see me a month after I start taking it. Then in 3 if things are well, then 6 if things are where they need to be.

But it comes with some seirous side effects.

Can I be frank? Well...I'm going to be, so I guess I'll just warn you that that's what I'm about to do. Sex with going through infertility is a crazy bed of emotions...no pun intended. Sometimes you cry after sex remembering this act won't bring you closer to your dream anymore. Sometimes you've lost the passion for it. Sometimes when you're moody from everything that's going on around you, your husband even sort of stops pursuing you thinking you'll say no. It's hard to get in the mind frame to be present and enjoy the gift that God has given us.

Then if I start taking medications that will lower the libio even more?

What's the trade off? Will the medicaiton make me more happy yet a lot less passionate in the bedroom? Or will it allow my serotonin levels to rise so that I can start to feel a little more normal again? Be able to let go of the anxiety and worry of this heartbreaking journey.

I'm sorry I haven't been here to post more lately. I feel as I will be back more though as I discover the truths of how to rebuild myself during the year of waiting...again.

Thank you for friends for stopping by and reading. Please let me know if you ever took an anti-depressant during your infertility journey, or if you took one at all for any reason!

I will say, on a more 'nautral level' I have started cutting sugar out again. Added sugar that is. As well as picking back up on my exercise. It might be helping a little. 3 weeks into a 6 day workout routine and only 2 days into the less added sugar game. It may be helping. I would also like to get some lavendar oil and start rubbing that on my temples again.

It's a process. I can do this. I can rebuild myself...as long as I can get past not feeling motivated.


Saturday, February 13, 2016

I've been gone way to long

I haven't really felt a lot like myself lately and have been battling the mental game that is waiting for a next cycle.

It's been hard. I'm not proud to admit but I have turned towards anger and bitterness. I just need a cleanse or a detox for the body soul and mind.

Here's the rundown of the life in the C&C house.
We applied for a debt consolidation loan. WE GOT APPROVED! Just not as much as we hoped for.
WE'LL BE DEBT FREE (in about two years) but due to this we have decided to wait till next year to try another IUI cycle, boooo.

The money just isn't there this year. As much as my heart longs for this, and desires it, unless God heals us and blesses us with a miracle, money wise we'll try again next year.

I'm half devastated realizing that the dream is put off, yet again, but honestly, part of me...a VERY SMALL PART, is somewhat relieved. No wondering if this will finally be the month or not. While I still have faith that God can preform miracles...I still feel as if we are pursing the path he has called us too.
Waiting. Using a Donor. Doing an IUI.

This year I will have time to focus on healing again. Focusing on my physical, spiritual, and mental health.

Right now it helps to have spiritual and physical goals to focus on. Spending more time in my bible as well as increase my running miles.

For right now though, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS PINT OF ICE CREAM! lol!!

Thank you for following my journey. While I won't be physically going through fertility treatments this year, I hope I can continue to share the emotional parts of the journey as well as connect with you and post about other aspects of my life.


Sunday, January 24, 2016

Easter Egg in the Avengers

Still trying to make it my goal to post at least twice a week, figure I'll start this week off right.

Cruising around on Pinterest for Bruce Banner and Black Widow memes, and I came across this scene from the movie.

I didn't think much of it until I read what the pinner wrote..."

LISTEN UP. Last frame. Baby cradle. It's splattered in green. BRUCE IS TOUCHING IT. "I don't every time get what I want." GUYS, HE WANTS A KID. THAT is what makes that scene so brilliant. And Mark Ruffalo came up with that. IF YOU DIDN'T LOVE BRUCE BEFORE, YOU DO NOW."

Some nice foreshadowing there. 

I love re watching movies. Especially ones that are good. Yes this one related directly to infertility but it is fun to re watch movies. Over Christmas I watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, the one with Jim Carry. That movie is almost 14 years old, I think? Maybe? I can't tell you how many times I watched that movie and I just noticed a line in the movie I hadn't heard before. Brings a whole new appreciation to the journey. 

 Maybe, I'll look back over my journey and notice something I hadn't before. Perhaps a moment of a whisper from God telling me to hold on just a little longer. A moment of humor. A moment of extra joy. All those moments will be there. But looking back through them might just help me see something I hadn't before. 

 XO, C

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

From Sadness There Will Be Joy

I was hoping to set a goal of writing on this blog two times a week, but I often find I don't have much to write.

I'll give the highlights of our journey that seems to be moving at a glacial pace these days.

We technically have over $800 saved for our next IUI. Only $2,700 left to go. But trying to focus on the positive. Which is great! However, we are now debating on how fast we'll get the money back. Whether to sell the car that we are fixing to a family member or not.
I believe we should not sell to the family member unless there is a bank loan involved. C does not feel this way and it's causing some strife.

It's wonderful to help family, however, I think we should avoid the money side of helping at all costs right now as we are supposed to be saving for building our little family.

I think I scared myself a little as I recently learned of a couple, whose wife I am friends with, is getting a divorce after struggling with two miscarriages.

Their story is heartbreaking and always causes me to look at C & I's relationship a little closer. Do we have what it takes to see this through to the other side?

Most days I think yes. But then I have my dark days.

I guess, I'm wondering if this is a normal train of thought for everyone struggling.

I do know that a lot more went into the friends decision to end the marriage. That there is a whole other back story that I do not know about. However some days I'm just tired of it being so hard.

So the positives.
We have each other. When he's not being a complete BOY (I'm sure he'd say the same about me...well except the being a boy part.) I know we're in this together.
We have a good support unit
We still have time
We still have options
THIS. IS. NOT. HOW. OUR. STORY. WILL. END. It will not end in heartache or pain.

We watched Inside Out (couple of grown adults watching a Disney Movie on school night) and I cried. It's a great movie if you haven't seen it.
The lesson I took away from it was that Joy can be born out of sadness.


Thursday, January 14, 2016

Died a little on the inside

I had a brief conversation with my sister in laws husband about their first doctors appointment today. I asked all the right questions. Said congratulations again...and then died just a little from grief on the inside.

Doing my best. Also trying to remember that joy comes from God. That he wants me to have a happy heart. I try to say Congratulations with joy in my heart...but it still gives this loud pang inside my chest and scoops my shoulders forward and bows my head.

Luckily the conversation was via the telephone. I could say it with conviction without proving it with body language.

Here's to be an aunt...again. 


Sunday, January 10, 2016

Stories of Hope:: Exception or Rule?

I kept meaning to share the story of hope I heard recently.

While I still don't know what my path will look like or how I will achieve having children, or if we'll even be blessed with some...stories of struggle still provide hope.

I was working with a client when the conversation took the usual turn to that of children.

"Do you have kids?"

I would have given her my practiced line but lately, I've just been jumping all in.

"We tried but it didn't work, we may or may not try again." Lets people know that I want them but at but at the same time leaves it open to the future. It's worked so far with everyone I've told that line too. It either changes the topic or they tell me their stories of struggle as well.

This particular time I was surprised. She said "Oh I know how that goes! Took us 6 years to get our first daughter after two IVFs and 1 miscarriage. Then another 7 years for our second daughter and two more miscarriages."

I was blown away. What a story. She reminded me to not give up yet. Next month will mark 5 years that we've been on this journey. In the fall it will mark 3 years since our official diagnosis of not being able to have biological children.

Crazy numbers if I think about it.

My God is bigger than those numbers. Lately, I've been scoffing at quotes about having courage and not giving up hope, but I still have faith that God has won this journey for me. Whatever it may be, it will be better then what I have planned. The pain hasn't gone away, but I have learned to make room for it.

Just the other day I was working with a client who told me the age ranges of her children. There was quite an age gap between her first and second. I remarked on it and she said "Well they told me that I would never have kids again because I had endometriosis. Then I got pregnant with my son, but there was a lot of bleeding and it was a difficult pregnancy but he was a my little miracle. Then I went on to have two more kids!"

What a blessing. I love hearing these stories but...with my, let's be honest, bitter, pessimistic mind set, I beg to ask the question...Am I the rule or am I the exception to the rule?

 Did you ever see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You", or read the book? It reminds me of this quote said by Gigi

"Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That's the exception and we're not the exception we're the rule."

 Everyone knows someone, who knows someone that adopted and suddenly became pregnant. Will that happen for me? Or will it one day just happen for me?

Clearly my mind frame is not in the best of places.

I'm not ready to quit. I still have a fighting spirit, but I think I'm not in the right emotional state. Oh I'm a warrior alright but a warrior with a bad attitude, doesn't make a good fighter.

On this journey, you have to be be prepared for it all.

So which woman will I be? I'll need to tame my mind and bring light into my heart if I wish to be the woman built from fire.


Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Still feels like a punishment

Another pregnancy announcement last night. This time from C's family. I'm glad they'll have something good to focus on. They'll need the happiness and positivity of what a baby can bring.

I feel like we're being punished. I can't but feel like there is something I have done to deserve this pain.

If I do my best to remember my new years resolution all I can do is live today.

Today I will focus on one step at a time.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Happy New Year...

2016 is here...

I don't know about you but for the last 3 or 4 New Years, I've been hopeful. Thinking 'this will be the year we add to our family.'; 'this will be the year that everything comes together.'

This year I am doing my best to not get my hopes up. Let others and the Lord hold hope for me. To just have faith that everything will work out. To surrender to whatever plans the Lord has in store for me.
I told myself this morning that my Resolution Goal was to put my health first. My whole health. Spiritually, mentally, physically. I will do my best to make sure that I am making smart decisions about my health.
More quality sleep. Spending more time in my bible. Continue to take my supplements. Put my focus on good things. To take one day at a time.

I also need to work on my bitterness. Not that I am not happy for those who success and blessings have finally arrived, but it was day two of my period yesterday and I received 1 pregnancy announcement and 1 baby shower invite. It was a magical day.

As well as someone asked me how my kids enjoyed Christmas...

An honest mistake, but the comment came from someone who knows my story.

I asked "Do you mean my dog?"

"No your kids."

"Do you mean the nephews and nieces?" AKA Not My Kids.

I am happy for them, but I need to let go of bitterness for this long journey.

I used a trick I learned in therapy, last night, that helped put me right to sleep.

"Even though I am sad, I am loved. Even though I am sad, I still love. Even though I am sad, I am happy."

It worked. Like a charm. The wheels wouldn't start turning. Then once I spoke and accepted my truth, I was able to put it to bed.

For now C & I are off to our third and final 'Christmas' celebration. Then it's back home where he's of to hunt and I will clean the house/do laundry/ and watch 90's action movies. The only way to spend New Years Day.

I hope and pray that you all had a blessed and safe New Years Eve and here's to all of us in this journey. Still traveling the unknown waters of loss, frustration, but yet still full of hope or at least full of guts to keep going.

 p.s. I'll share the story of hope I heard last week, later this week.