Sunday, January 24, 2016

Easter Egg in the Avengers

Still trying to make it my goal to post at least twice a week, figure I'll start this week off right.

Cruising around on Pinterest for Bruce Banner and Black Widow memes, and I came across this scene from the movie.

I didn't think much of it until I read what the pinner wrote..."

LISTEN UP. Last frame. Baby cradle. It's splattered in green. BRUCE IS TOUCHING IT. "I don't every time get what I want." GUYS, HE WANTS A KID. THAT is what makes that scene so brilliant. And Mark Ruffalo came up with that. IF YOU DIDN'T LOVE BRUCE BEFORE, YOU DO NOW."

Some nice foreshadowing there. 

I love re watching movies. Especially ones that are good. Yes this one related directly to infertility but it is fun to re watch movies. Over Christmas I watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, the one with Jim Carry. That movie is almost 14 years old, I think? Maybe? I can't tell you how many times I watched that movie and I just noticed a line in the movie I hadn't heard before. Brings a whole new appreciation to the journey. 

 Maybe, I'll look back over my journey and notice something I hadn't before. Perhaps a moment of a whisper from God telling me to hold on just a little longer. A moment of humor. A moment of extra joy. All those moments will be there. But looking back through them might just help me see something I hadn't before. 

 XO, C

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

From Sadness There Will Be Joy

I was hoping to set a goal of writing on this blog two times a week, but I often find I don't have much to write.

I'll give the highlights of our journey that seems to be moving at a glacial pace these days.

We technically have over $800 saved for our next IUI. Only $2,700 left to go. But trying to focus on the positive. Which is great! However, we are now debating on how fast we'll get the money back. Whether to sell the car that we are fixing to a family member or not.
I believe we should not sell to the family member unless there is a bank loan involved. C does not feel this way and it's causing some strife.

It's wonderful to help family, however, I think we should avoid the money side of helping at all costs right now as we are supposed to be saving for building our little family.

I think I scared myself a little as I recently learned of a couple, whose wife I am friends with, is getting a divorce after struggling with two miscarriages.

Their story is heartbreaking and always causes me to look at C & I's relationship a little closer. Do we have what it takes to see this through to the other side?

Most days I think yes. But then I have my dark days.

I guess, I'm wondering if this is a normal train of thought for everyone struggling.

I do know that a lot more went into the friends decision to end the marriage. That there is a whole other back story that I do not know about. However some days I'm just tired of it being so hard.

So the positives.
We have each other. When he's not being a complete BOY (I'm sure he'd say the same about me...well except the being a boy part.) I know we're in this together.
We have a good support unit
We still have time
We still have options
THIS. IS. NOT. HOW. OUR. STORY. WILL. END. It will not end in heartache or pain.

We watched Inside Out (couple of grown adults watching a Disney Movie on school night) and I cried. It's a great movie if you haven't seen it.
The lesson I took away from it was that Joy can be born out of sadness.


Thursday, January 14, 2016

Died a little on the inside

I had a brief conversation with my sister in laws husband about their first doctors appointment today. I asked all the right questions. Said congratulations again...and then died just a little from grief on the inside.

Doing my best. Also trying to remember that joy comes from God. That he wants me to have a happy heart. I try to say Congratulations with joy in my heart...but it still gives this loud pang inside my chest and scoops my shoulders forward and bows my head.

Luckily the conversation was via the telephone. I could say it with conviction without proving it with body language.

Here's to be an aunt...again. 


Sunday, January 10, 2016

Stories of Hope:: Exception or Rule?

I kept meaning to share the story of hope I heard recently.

While I still don't know what my path will look like or how I will achieve having children, or if we'll even be blessed with some...stories of struggle still provide hope.

I was working with a client when the conversation took the usual turn to that of children.

"Do you have kids?"

I would have given her my practiced line but lately, I've just been jumping all in.

"We tried but it didn't work, we may or may not try again." Lets people know that I want them but at but at the same time leaves it open to the future. It's worked so far with everyone I've told that line too. It either changes the topic or they tell me their stories of struggle as well.

This particular time I was surprised. She said "Oh I know how that goes! Took us 6 years to get our first daughter after two IVFs and 1 miscarriage. Then another 7 years for our second daughter and two more miscarriages."

I was blown away. What a story. She reminded me to not give up yet. Next month will mark 5 years that we've been on this journey. In the fall it will mark 3 years since our official diagnosis of not being able to have biological children.

Crazy numbers if I think about it.

My God is bigger than those numbers. Lately, I've been scoffing at quotes about having courage and not giving up hope, but I still have faith that God has won this journey for me. Whatever it may be, it will be better then what I have planned. The pain hasn't gone away, but I have learned to make room for it.

Just the other day I was working with a client who told me the age ranges of her children. There was quite an age gap between her first and second. I remarked on it and she said "Well they told me that I would never have kids again because I had endometriosis. Then I got pregnant with my son, but there was a lot of bleeding and it was a difficult pregnancy but he was a my little miracle. Then I went on to have two more kids!"

What a blessing. I love hearing these stories but...with my, let's be honest, bitter, pessimistic mind set, I beg to ask the question...Am I the rule or am I the exception to the rule?

 Did you ever see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You", or read the book? It reminds me of this quote said by Gigi

"Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That's the exception and we're not the exception we're the rule."

 Everyone knows someone, who knows someone that adopted and suddenly became pregnant. Will that happen for me? Or will it one day just happen for me?

Clearly my mind frame is not in the best of places.

I'm not ready to quit. I still have a fighting spirit, but I think I'm not in the right emotional state. Oh I'm a warrior alright but a warrior with a bad attitude, doesn't make a good fighter.

On this journey, you have to be be prepared for it all.

So which woman will I be? I'll need to tame my mind and bring light into my heart if I wish to be the woman built from fire.


Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Still feels like a punishment

Another pregnancy announcement last night. This time from C's family. I'm glad they'll have something good to focus on. They'll need the happiness and positivity of what a baby can bring.

I feel like we're being punished. I can't but feel like there is something I have done to deserve this pain.

If I do my best to remember my new years resolution all I can do is live today.

Today I will focus on one step at a time.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Happy New Year...

2016 is here...

I don't know about you but for the last 3 or 4 New Years, I've been hopeful. Thinking 'this will be the year we add to our family.'; 'this will be the year that everything comes together.'

This year I am doing my best to not get my hopes up. Let others and the Lord hold hope for me. To just have faith that everything will work out. To surrender to whatever plans the Lord has in store for me.
I told myself this morning that my Resolution Goal was to put my health first. My whole health. Spiritually, mentally, physically. I will do my best to make sure that I am making smart decisions about my health.
More quality sleep. Spending more time in my bible. Continue to take my supplements. Put my focus on good things. To take one day at a time.

I also need to work on my bitterness. Not that I am not happy for those who success and blessings have finally arrived, but it was day two of my period yesterday and I received 1 pregnancy announcement and 1 baby shower invite. It was a magical day.

As well as someone asked me how my kids enjoyed Christmas...

An honest mistake, but the comment came from someone who knows my story.

I asked "Do you mean my dog?"

"No your kids."

"Do you mean the nephews and nieces?" AKA Not My Kids.

I am happy for them, but I need to let go of bitterness for this long journey.

I used a trick I learned in therapy, last night, that helped put me right to sleep.

"Even though I am sad, I am loved. Even though I am sad, I still love. Even though I am sad, I am happy."

It worked. Like a charm. The wheels wouldn't start turning. Then once I spoke and accepted my truth, I was able to put it to bed.

For now C & I are off to our third and final 'Christmas' celebration. Then it's back home where he's of to hunt and I will clean the house/do laundry/ and watch 90's action movies. The only way to spend New Years Day.

I hope and pray that you all had a blessed and safe New Years Eve and here's to all of us in this journey. Still traveling the unknown waters of loss, frustration, but yet still full of hope or at least full of guts to keep going.

 p.s. I'll share the story of hope I heard last week, later this week.