I kept meaning to share the story of hope I heard recently.
While I still don't know what my path will look like or how I will achieve having children, or if we'll even be blessed with some...stories of struggle still provide hope.
I was working with a client when the conversation took the usual turn to that of children.
"Do you have kids?"
I would have given her my practiced line but lately, I've just been jumping all in.
"We tried but it didn't work, we may or may not try again." Lets people know that I want them but at but at the same time leaves it open to the future. It's worked so far with everyone I've told that line too. It either changes the topic or they tell me their stories of struggle as well.
This particular time I was surprised. She said "Oh I know how that goes! Took us 6 years to get our first daughter after two IVFs and 1 miscarriage. Then another 7 years for our second daughter and two more miscarriages."
I was blown away. What a story. She reminded me to not give up yet. Next month will mark 5 years that we've been on this journey. In the fall it will mark 3 years since our official diagnosis of not being able to have biological children.
Crazy numbers if I think about it.
My God is bigger than those numbers. Lately, I've been scoffing at quotes about having courage and not giving up hope, but I still have faith that God has won this journey for me. Whatever it may be, it will be better then what I have planned. The pain hasn't gone away, but I have learned to make room for it.
Just the other day I was working with a client who told me the age ranges of her children. There was quite an age gap between her first and second. I remarked on it and she said "Well they told me that I would never have kids again because I had endometriosis. Then I got pregnant with my son, but there was a lot of bleeding and it was a difficult pregnancy but he was a my little miracle. Then I went on to have two more kids!"
What a blessing. I love hearing these stories but...with my, let's be honest, bitter, pessimistic mind set, I beg to ask the question...Am I the rule or am I the exception to the rule?
Did you ever see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You", or read the book? It reminds me of this quote said by Gigi
"Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out
with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who
dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and
living happily ever after. That's the exception and we're not the
exception we're the rule."
Everyone knows someone, who knows someone that adopted and suddenly became pregnant. Will that happen for me? Or will it one day just happen for me?
Clearly my mind frame is not in the best of places.
I'm not ready to quit. I still have a fighting spirit, but I think I'm not in the right emotional state. Oh I'm a warrior alright but a warrior with a bad attitude, doesn't make a good fighter.
On this journey, you have to be be prepared for it all.