Tuesday, March 8, 2016

March Struggle Bus Post

Goodness the last time I posted was almost a month ago...

I've been trying to figure out what to write. I kept asking myself, though, what would I post since we we have officially decided not to seek treatment until next year?

A blog about infertility but yet I won't directly be addressing any fertility related treatments?

There are blogs out there that do that very well. I guess I was feeling dwarfed in comparison.

In my last post I addresses that I would be talking more about the emotional aspects of this journey.

Holy man is there a lot to say. For the better part of last month I was snippy and rude and down right just not fun to be around. I've been seeing a therapist for the better part of a year now, since before our first IUI, and two weeks ago I told her I was not motivated to feel better.

I've been there. I've done that. Bought the t-shirt. How incredibly tough that was. Rebuilding myself. Not nearly as tough as other phases in life but still tough getting out of that spot. It was during training for my half marathon that I was able to pull myself out of the pit of despair. I remember during that time frame, TMI--I was taking a shower, (The bathroom, where all the good thinking happens) and I just thought to myself how I felt emotionally more close to center.

I'm back at the start again of rebuilding. I know the work ahead but I just can't get motivated to do it.

I feel defeated that I don't have the motivation. After speaking with my therapist she recommened it was time to try zoloft. I've been sitting with this idea for two weeks now. Trying to decide what's best.

Praying, asking God, is this the next step? Do you want me to take this medication?
Don't get me wrong! For those who need it, it is a great idea! Is it right for me though? Is this too drastic of a measure for me? Or do I really need it?

It's a big committment right now. It's at least a year long process. Right now a year seems like a lot. Although I could think in less general terms. My family doc would like to see me a month after I start taking it. Then in 3 if things are well, then 6 if things are where they need to be.

But it comes with some seirous side effects.

Can I be frank? Well...I'm going to be, so I guess I'll just warn you that that's what I'm about to do. Sex with going through infertility is a crazy bed of emotions...no pun intended. Sometimes you cry after sex remembering this act won't bring you closer to your dream anymore. Sometimes you've lost the passion for it. Sometimes when you're moody from everything that's going on around you, your husband even sort of stops pursuing you thinking you'll say no. It's hard to get in the mind frame to be present and enjoy the gift that God has given us.

Then if I start taking medications that will lower the libio even more?

What's the trade off? Will the medicaiton make me more happy yet a lot less passionate in the bedroom? Or will it allow my serotonin levels to rise so that I can start to feel a little more normal again? Be able to let go of the anxiety and worry of this heartbreaking journey.

I'm sorry I haven't been here to post more lately. I feel as I will be back more though as I discover the truths of how to rebuild myself during the year of waiting...again.

Thank you for friends for stopping by and reading. Please let me know if you ever took an anti-depressant during your infertility journey, or if you took one at all for any reason!

I will say, on a more 'nautral level' I have started cutting sugar out again. Added sugar that is. As well as picking back up on my exercise. It might be helping a little. 3 weeks into a 6 day workout routine and only 2 days into the less added sugar game. It may be helping. I would also like to get some lavendar oil and start rubbing that on my temples again.

It's a process. I can do this. I can rebuild myself...as long as I can get past not feeling motivated.


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